I refuse to believe it's because I have a uterus.

This will probably be deleted when I come to my senses.

So my period is two weeks late and my boobs are very tender and sore. So of course, the first thing my husband and I thought was I am pregnant.

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Now, I never wanted kids. Not ever. I always knew I was not meant to be a mom. So when I found myself pregnant three years, Mr. Raptor and I had a serious talk. It was not an easy decision, but we ultimately decided that since we were (and are) very happy together, introducing a child into our family would be an okay idea.

So, now my littleraptor (sorry, Thanksgiving names.. I meant littleturkey) is three and quite delightful.

Regarding my missed period and tender breasts: I took a pregnancy test today and it was negative. And even though I was joking with my husband last night about not wanting another kid and procuring a speedy abortion, I was a little disappointed. I could tell he was too. If I took the test or not was one of the first things he asked me this morning. He didn't outwardly show disappointment. He's a very good person.

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Now, my husband sort of does want another kid, but he knows how much work kids are, he understands that I don't particularly want to be a baby-incubator for nine months, he doesn't pressure me, and he agrees with me that one child is more than enough.

So why why why am I somewhat seriously considering another one?? Aghh, it making me crazy! From the moment I discovered I was pregnant with the littleraptor, I though, "Well, this is okay because when she's 18 and going to college, Mr. Raptor and I will be in our early 40s and still have plenty of time to travel and explore and play." Now littleraptor is 3, so if we were to have another baby, we'd still be pretty young when they were off to college and whatnot... So I feel like if we were to try for it, we should definitely not wait too much longer.

But there are so many reason not to do it! I'm being treated for bipolar disorder, which I've known I've had but have never sought help for. I love to drink all the adult beverages! I really, really like sleeping!

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Sort of related, a couple weeks ago I asked my job if it was possible to only work weekends. I did this because I wanted to stay at home with littleR. I'm very good at my job, and I'm very good at a lot of things, but I feel like the only things I'm good at AND enjoy is being a housewife. This is confusing (for lack of a better word) for me for a lot of reasons, but I don't really want to go into that right now.

I don't want too have a baby. I don't want to be pregnant. Right?

I can't with this right now.