A New Series in which I ask the esteemed kinja community Why.

friend: I would have sex with john mayer

me: Why don’t you love yourself?

friend: No, like.. If I hated myself, and I was in the midst of a shame spiral. Having sex with him would be my rock bottom.

me: ok that makes sense.

Also Never forget

(Jessica was a drug). And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f-cking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f-ck you, I would start selling all my sh-t just to keep f-cking you.”

“Because I want to show (a girl I’m with that) I’m not like every other guy. Because I hate other men. When I’m f-cking you, I’m trying to f-ck every man who’s ever f-cked you, but in his ass, so you’ll say “No one’s ever done that to me in bed. Here’s what I really want to do at 32: f-ck a girl and then, as she’s sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her. So she’s like, “What? You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you’re making me a spinach omelet? You are the sh-t!” So she says, “I love this guy.” I say, “I love this girl loving me.” And then we have a problem. Because that entails instant relationship. I’m already playing house. And when I lose interest she’s going to say, “Why would you do that if you didn’t want to stick with me?”

“I don’t think I open myself to (being with a black woman). My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f-ckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick. I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.”