okay so I'm not doing so hot today. I made it to outpatient this morning. On time even. But my day just got progressively worse. When I spiral I spiral hard. First I wasn't given focus time during group because there were others who needed to talk. I understand there's only so much time in the day and because I'm me I didn't push. I got an appointment with the psychiatrist and he is changing up my meds. He thinks abilify is expensive and it doesn't seem to have made a difference in my depression so he's weaning me off it. He also added Wellbutrin to my Effexor. I'm pretty happy to be trying Wellbutrin because of the energizing effect it can have.
Afternoons are always the hardest for me. It's occupational and music therapy. The exercises seem so simple and juvenile. I resent that I need this program. That I have to spend my afternoon rewriting the lyrics to Help! by the Beatles or finishing positive sentences about myself. It makes me feel like a fucking failure. And maybe I need to express that. But I don't want to say this in group because then every one will think I'm a bitch especially if they are feeling helped by these exercises.
I'm really disappointed in myself. I really thought I was ready to change and accept what's going on with my brain chemistry but I'm still in denial and angry about my diagnosis. I don't know how I'm supposed to accept something that hurts me so deeply. It feels impossible.
I made it thru occupational therapy today barely. But I knew I couldn't take music therapy. The therapist is bubbly and loud and energetic and I knew I couldn't handle it today. I met with my lead therapist and said I wasn't feeling well and wanted to go home. She allowed me but I could tell she knew something was up. She tried to get me to tell her what I needed. I said I needed to go home. Tomorrow she will make me talk about this. I don't want to a) cry in group, b) tell group I hate myself, and c) tell group I hate outpatient. It's amazing how uncomfortable I am sharing with the group anything negative. I don't want tomorrow to come.