If you are stopped at a stop light, with unsuspecting cars behind you, do not, I repeat DO NOT squirt your windshield wiper fluid into the air like you just don’t care in order to clean your mucky window. If you do, the person behind you, happily going about their morning with the sun roof open (as this is California and we all pay extra for the privilege) will stare in horror at the rain of chemicals splattering across their own windscreen and into their fucking car.

See, you’re stopped, which means the unfortunate putz behind you cannot get away, and there is not enough distance between you for some reason, even though the victim is well away from your piece of shit SUV that apparently possesses a wiper-fluid-squirt apparatus designed by cock-sucking NASA. That shit traveled in a sunlight-dappled arc, like, fifty fucking feet or something! Were you aiming for the Mars Rover, you pustulous asshole?

If you do behave in this way, you SUV-driving cancer upon the marrow of all that is joyous and good, the person behind you will be forced to hurtle curses upon your head, curses upon your children, curses upon your ancestors. Curses including, but not limited to: chiggers; itchy tags in your clothing; a rain cloud that follows you around and pisses only on your head; a red ghost crayon in your dryer that can never be exorcised unless you get a new dryer and then it’ll transfer because no, you can’t get away from curses by going to Best Buy, shithead; that really horrible acne that lasts two months and hurts like a motherfucker; yellow teeth; yellow armpits; and Justin Bieber Earworm Syndrome.

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So if you must clean your windshield, do it WHILE YOU’RE MOVING. Or WHEN ALONE AT THE STOP SIGN. Take a quick glance behind you to make sure that nobody is about to have their hairdo polluted with chemicals that will probably turn it green, as it contains too many not-found-in-nature ingredients already. Do not force the innocent driver behind you to wish mild annoyances upon your ugly, stupid, birthed-by-a-noxious-demon head!

Thank you.