I slept REALLY HARD last night and it was my first night not taking the narcotic cough medicine in like, 10ish days. I woke up coughing at one point, but I was able to drift off pretty quickly. I’m almost certain that’s because the cat was snuggled up right next to my face and I rolled over into a face full of back-fur in the middle of the night.
I think I’m finally almost fully detoxed from the steroids. I drank so much water and cranberry juice yesterday that my bladder probably thought I was punishing it. My mood feels way more stable today and I don’t have the racing heartbeat and tingling extremities that I’ve had for the past week. My stomach is still kind of upset but I’m chalking that up to eating little more than cereal, rice, and soup for awhile. I did make some chicken and vegetable pasta last night that I can eat on today, and I’m having eggs this morning with some success, even though my appetite is still kind of wobbly. Been eating a lot of bananas too, because I assumed my potassium was low (which was what happened when I was sick like this 8 months ago and in the hospital.) I also sat out in the sun for a short while yesterday for vitamin D purposes and because I may have forgotten what it looked like after 2 weeks in bed.
I called Boyfriend yesterday and told him that I was starting to feel like a normal functioning human being again and he told me he was glad. I asked if he wanted to get together thursday (today) or friday, but he already made some plans with family and is working a weekend long event and has to get ready to be away from home for three days, starting mid-Friday afternoon. (He’s volunteering for the life coaching/emotional intelligence training that we both volunteer for quite a bit, where we actually met initially 5 yrs ago. It’s a great program, it pulled me back from the brink of suicide and taught me a lot of life skills and tools for managing my depression that I didn’t get at home, I’m doing a refresher course there this weekend too about negative self-talk, but we’ll be in two separate areas so we won’t be interacting.) If I am honest, the needy part of me had to talk myself out of feel rejected by that, but he did promise me that we would get together on Sunday night after we are both done and spend some time together.
Part of my reason for wanting to see him before I go to the class this weekend was so that I could open up some and be honest with him about some of the struggles I’ve been having emotionally over the past three-ish weeks. We have been texting a little or talking every day/every other day since we both got home despite us both getting really ill, but nothing of real substance. That is probably good and somewhat by design, because I have been SUPER panicky and irrational from all of the drugs, and I doubt it would have done any good to have deep conversations with him while in that headspace. Yet, it was important to me though to tell him where I was at before this weekend so I told him yesterday on the phone. Basically it went like this:
“I know I opened up to you about my fears around abandonment a little before we went on vacation, but the last couple of weeks, between getting so sick and our trip turning out the way it did and some other things, have really made me take a hard look at those and some of the self-limiting beliefs I’ve still been holding onto. So I’m doing (the course this weekend) to help me dig deeper into that and gain some clarity and peace for myself, and I just wanted to let you know.”
He was supportive and told me he was happy for me and glad that I was doing that. He was at work when I called so our talk had to be brief, but I felt a lot better. I said what I wanted to say without dumping on him. I honored how I was feeling without making it about him or dragging it out. I got some peace on where we are at, because he was receptive and caring. He said we’d talk more on Sunday.
I feel like I’m working really hard to train myself how to have a healthy relationship and how to look at things rationally, because literally all of my past relationships have been either wildly codependent or abusive and neglectful. I’m trying to learn how to be intimate and honest with another person, and ask for what I need instead of having unspoken expectations, while being an open and safe place for him to do the same. I am learning to real about my feelings instead of trying to feign indifference or cool-girl bullshit. Mostly, I am learning to be a whole person on my own and bring that wholeness into my relationship instead of feeling super depleted and unfulfilled and hoping my boyfriend will fill the emptiness.
What about you guys? Any wisdom you can share if you’ve learned anything about healthy relationships? A lot of it feels counter-intuitive and I’m honestly always reminding myself that we really don’t see many models for what healthy relationships look like.