Not that this is directly related to the World Series or anything. Realize that I'm mainly writing this to vent and to get jokes out of my sports pain. I don't actually think people who root for any of these teams are terrible human beings (except for Philly — all bets are off there).
New England Patriots — Oh, these sad sacks of shit. Nobody bitches more than a Boston fan. Jesus tapdancing Christ, woe to the fucking Patriots, for they might (at worst) lose in the goddamned AFC Championship game. Nobody is better than Boston fans at seeming tortured and long-suffering despite the fact that within the last decade, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR TEAMS HAS WON A CHAMPIONSHIP. Read that last sentence again — the Celtics, Patriots, Bruins, and Red Sox have ALL won championships. They're the only city that can say that about all four North American sports (anyone about to say MLS, I am laughing at you SO hard right now). Rest assured that every Cleveland/DC/Minnesota/Seattle sports fan wants to punch a Boston fan in the throat every time they start whining about anything. Patriots fans are THE WORST, though — Tom Brady is an invincible God, Bill Belichick only cheats in ways that everyone else is already cheating, and every fifth-round pick is a Hall of Famer in waiting. They're obnoxiously smug enough to be the Yankees fans of the NFL. Aaron Hernandez couldn't have happened to a nicer fan base.
Dallas Cowboys — Alright, the 17 actual real Cowboys fans are fine. No issues with them. But if you're a Cowboys fan who wasn't born in Dallas and has no connection to the city, you are a wankdolphin and I could not possibly hate you more.
Atlanta Braves — Because at least DC football fans have the decency to be embarrassed about our racist team name (most of us, anyway). You fuckers are proud of The Chop. Hell, you assholes cheered John Rocker. If that weren't bad enough, the current Braves incarnation is a bunch of dour, humorless moralizers that make the Cardinals look genuine by comparison. If the Cardinals had played the Braves in the playoffs I would've rooted for the stadium to collapse. I wish Atlanta were closer to the coast so there was a faint hope of it sliding into the sea.
St. Louis Cardinals — Oh gee golly gee willikers, don't the Cardinals play the game the right way, oh aren't they such classy gentleman, not like those other teams with their "celebrating" and their "personalities" and their "anything that might make the game remotely entertaining in any way." Oh no sirree bob, aren't we just the best fans ever. VOMITS EVERYWHERE Cardinals fans are like more dishonest Yankees fans.
New York Yankees — Do I even need to explain this? Of course I don't.
Manchester United — I know nothing about the Premier League, and even I know enough to hate Man U.
Oklahoma City Thunder — Your homophobic asshole redneck owner stole a team from Seattle, which is like seeing a kid with Leukemia and deciding to kick them in the face and steal their XBox. I will never stop laughing about the James Harden trade. Not ever. Enjoy losing Kevin Durant to free agency in three years.
Baltimore Ravens — Because half of them are traitors from the DC area who switched football allegiances purely because the Ravens were winning, and there's a special place in sports fan hell for frontrunning dicknozzles like you. If OKC heisting the Sonics is like stealing the XBox from a kid with Leukemia, Baltimore stealing the Browns is like killing that kid's dog. And nobody gives a shit that the Colts left town, Baltimore, you suck and you deserved that. Also, fuck the city of Baltimore in general. It knows what it did to deserve it. Also Ray Lewis killed a guy and then he was using PED's. Deal with it.
San Antonio Spurs — You will never find a fan base with a bigger collective chip on their shoulder or a faster trigger for perceived slights. Someone implied that maybe Manu Ginobili is a tad overrated (or, if they were being honest, that he's the single most overrated player of the past two decades)? EVERYONE HATES THE SPURS NOBODY BELIEVES IN US YOU JUST DON'T LIKE TEXAS OR SOME OTHER STUPID SHIT. You've won four championships since 1999, Spurs fans, shut the fuck up and stop acting like you're some persecuted, long-suffering group of people. Literally every single other NBA fan base hates you — the fact that you are terrible is the only way to get Celtics fans and Laker fans to agree on ANYTHING.
Pittsburgh Penguins — Because fuck Sidney Crosby and his stupid, smug, sissy I'm-too-pretty-to-fight face. There. I said it. Don Cherry and his xenophobic anti-Russian bullshit can kiss my ass.
Philadelphia Anything — Just pick a sport, they're all equally awful. These people booed Santa Claus, taunted Joe Jurevicius about the untimely death of his infant son, throw up on opposing fans, and regularly throw snowballs filled with batteries at people. Philadelphia sports fans are the Comcast of people. The reason you've won one championship since 1983, Philadelphia, is because of fan karma. You deserve 80 straight losing seasons in a row in every sport. You are HORRIBLE. There is no depth I won't plumb in describing how much I hate you.