These two listicles popped up on my facebook feed, side by side: "15 Signs You're With A Good Man" (written by a man), and "15 Signs That You Have a Great Girlfriend" (also written by a man). I clicked on both of them because they had cute thumbnail pictures and I am a sucker. Therefore I am an authority on the subject when I assure you that both authors can indeed count up to 15. Also, I would totally date James Michael Sama, author #1! Whereas Robert Locke, author #2, would totally not date me.

I'm really broken up about it. Here is a catalogue of my failings:

1. She likes the same things.

Last night I told my boyfriend that I could never really get into Arrested Development, and we did not break up, although it was a close call. Here's the thing though: I knew there was money in the banana stand. Why would you burn down the banana stand??

I also like country music, which makes me virtually undateable above the Mason-Dixon line.

2. She never interferes with your work.

We gchat at work. I send him gifs.

3. She tells you why she is in a bad mood.

If I have a good reason for my bad mood, I'll tell him. If I know I'm being unreasonable, I'll stew in silence. I am a champion stewer. Also, stew is delicious. It is possible that my boyfriend does not love this about me.

Advertisement

4. She loves you for who you are, not for what you do.

I love my boyfriend for making me breakfast. He makes really good eggs, I do not make really good eggs, we're perfect for each other.

I love him for who he is, too though. (He is a person who makes me eggs.)

5. She is not trying to change you.

My boyfriend thinks he likes fedoras. I will never stop trying to change this about him. Ever.

Advertisement

6. She has no problems with her own body image.

Fuck this.

7. She is not the owner of your free time.

Whatever this means, it's rude. Maybe I will sent him an iCal invitation to hang out with me. All day. Recurring every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

Advertisement

Then I'll text him and ask him what he's doing this weekend.

8. She shares your values.

I value safety. For instance, if someone I was dating bought a skateboard and insisted on riding it around the twisty-turny, hilly streets in his neighborhood, I would place a high value on helmet-wearing.

Advertisement

My boyfriend does not share this value.

9. She is open with you.

My hair is full of secrets. That's how I get this frizzy, blown-out mane style favored by women walking into the hair salon to get that shit taken care of.

Advertisement

10. She is a good listener.

Once I straight-up told him I wasn't interested in what he was saying. That was mean. I regret it. In my defense, I think he was giving me a play-by-play of a League of Legends championship game. Sorry, boy. Refer to #1.

11. She is such fun to be with.

We do have fun sometimes! Other times, we get up super early, drive an hour to go hiking, choose the hardest path, forget to pack trail mix, and on the way back to the car he accuses me of trying to kill him. Turns out he doesn't like hiking. Memories!

Advertisement

12. She loves hanging out with your friends and family.

I haven't met his parents.

13. She never asks for advice about clothes.

He does this more than I do.

14. She knows how to surprise you.

I have never put much thought into this. I'm also pretty averse to surprise parties: you invite some of the wrong people, you don't invite some of the right people, and the recipient has to pretend to love it. Pass.

Advertisement

15. She never nags you.

My boyfriend gets a weird kick out of being nagged. This is, admittedly, unusual. His favorite coworker is always complaining about his nagging wife (eyeroll), and boyfriend thinks this is excellent bonding material. He is always pleased to have something to contribute to the conversation.

If this were a buzzfeed quiz, it would end something like this:

You Got: Forever Alone (0/15)

Nobody will date you, especially not Robert Locke, lifehack listmaker and arbiter of girlfriend quality. Take down your OKCupid profile. Delete Tinder from your phone. Abandon your pinterest wedding board. Get a cat.

Advertisement

Incidentally, my boyfriend would love to get a cat.