Diagnose me/help me, please! (TW: body image issues, abusive relationships, rape)

I have been SERIOUSLY single for over three years. I have had casual relationships in the meantime, but whenever the guy or girl wants to call me his or her "girlfriend," I run away. Occasionally to another country. I seriously spent the summer studying law in Turkey to avoid staying with a guy.

My REAL last relationship was sexually abusive with a guy who told me if I didn't have sex with him daily (and exactly how he wanted it wherever he wanted it, which was often in a painful locale) it meant I didn't love him and there was something wrong with me.

I moved away from my home state partly to get away from him, and moved in with my best guy friend. We had been friends since we were 16. After I moved out, he raped he while I was drunk. I'll probably post about this at another time. This was two years ago.

I have self esteem issues when it comes to my body. I'm most comfortable at a size 10/12, but I'm currently a 12/14, because law school and exercise don't totally mix. I honestly have this feeling that I am not attractive enough to date anyone I'd be interested in (because in my twisted mind, interesting guys and ladies like skinny girls? Weird, I know, and I don't discriminate on the basis of "conventional" hotness for others, I'm blaming the eternal fitness of DC).

I also love being alone, but I can't tell if I love it because of the way of life or because it's just easier. I love being alone on a Tuesday, drinking a bottle of wine, playing League of Legends, and informing all of you about my lack of desire to date. I love Netflixing alone. I love having a bed to myself. But I honestly don't know if I REALLY love it, or if it's just easier.


I never take the easy way. EVER. I take the challenge, the fulfillment. Am I doing this because I'm not over what happened to me, or because it's easy and I feel fat and I don't want to do the work?

I do not expect any real diagnoses, but any advice/insight is greatly appreciated. I want to want a relationship, I want to want something real (I'm a proud slut, but y'all that's WORK). Most of my friends are married. I don't want that, but I want something that could feel like it could lead to that. But I still want my netflix nights alone. Are these incompatible?