I HAVE UTI, ME NO FEEL WELL, HELP ME I’M DYING, SWORDS IN LADY PARTS. New boy, sleepover the other night, don’t have insurance until Tuesday when new job starts, been drinking buckets of cranberry juice, can’t take that over-the-counter cranberry medicine because last time it affected my kidneys. Anything I can do right now before it gets worse? I want my mom.

Please only nice kind words and helpful practical advice, no lectures on how I maybe didn’t pee fast enough afterwards or whatnot. Just want the sword taken out of my lady part and a bucket to catch my tears.