How on Earth do you deal with this?

I’m searching for an internship, (it’s needed to complete my degree at my creative business school) and all I feel lately is this giant lead ball of dread, making me want to throw up because I 100% feel like I’m not good enough and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.

It’s also kind of combined itself with my other neurosis of not being able to want things, because either I will be sad when I don’t get them, or they never live up to my hopes. This one’s hard to explain, because intellectually I know that this probably has a lot to do with having complex PTSD and very insecure attachments, but I am ashamed of myself no matter what the outcome us. Either I don’t get The Thing and feel like I’ve let everyone in the universe down because I think everyone expects me to do everything perfectly, or I get The Thing and realize it’s not a happily ever after ending where credits roll and the story’s done and am disappointed in both The Thing AND my irrational hopes for it.

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So it’s 4 am over here, and I’m laying in bed letting my brain run along the same old grooves because my life hasn’t turned out at all like I expected, and I'm just so afraid of getting hurt again.