I was listening to the radio this afternoon and the host was asking whether she should go to the movies with her partner when she really didn’t want to see the movie.
According the votes 72% thought she should suck it up and go.
Once upon a time, I would have thought the same, because that’s what you suppose to do for love. Suck shit up to make them happy.
OMG bringing people who don’t want to go to something, to that thing, is dreadful. It is painful.
It totally works out in healthy relationships, but none of my romantic relationships have been healthy. (c/n controlling relationships, dv)
Now, I don’t date much, so I don’t have a lot of stats. But the people who I have dated and brought to something they didn’t want to go to were miserable. So miserable and whiney, that it infected me and made me hate the experience. Often they’d be so off putting that friends or guests would comment on it, thinking that maybe the ex was sick. No, they were just pouting or punishing me for asking for them to go somewhere and annoyed I refused to cancel my plans to stay at home with them, because they couldn’t be alone.
It didn’t matter that I had gone to all sorts of things I disliked and managed to not act like a dick, but at the very least I was impartial or mildly interested. I’d politely say, “I’m glad your happy, but it’s not for me” or sometimes I’d enjoy watching them be happy. None of these people I’ve dated could even have the sense to be civil about it or take joy in my joy.
I had a date shit on an art show they knew I loved. I pretended I cared about what they thought, I specifically pointed out works that I didn’t care about and watched them tear them apart, and I quickly moved them out of the show and I went again by myself so I could enjoy it without someone explaining to me it was terrible. David Bowie Is... a damn good art show. Fuck you dude. The another basically pouted like child at any thing I wanted to do and then would follow up with a critique of what a bad person I am for liking such things. I still thank Star Trek Into Darkness for making me realize my ex was a giant sack of shit.
BUT OMG if I didn’t want to go to something or eat, something then I was the worst.
Times when I wanted to stay at comic book expo or auto show longer, but we had to leave because so and so is tired, but instead of going back to hotel by their self, they whine they entire time. They’d say “that they are fine”, but they are miserable and hate every second of it. Before hand, I’d even explain, I will spend 10 hours there if I can. I’ll take maybe an hour or 2 for meals, typically while standing in line. You will walk a lot. If you cannot walk a lot you will hate it. It will be exceptionally hot and then suddenly cold. Here’s a snack. No we can’t leave the con floor on a Saturday because we will never get back in. Yes, you need to bring your own backpack, mine has enough room for action figures and snacks. What do you mean you don’t eat pizza pizza today? What do you mean you didn’t bring water for yourself, when I told you? What do you mean you didn’t bring ID? WHO DOESN’T BRING ID?
If you suggest why don’t you sit at the bar, or go to a screening, or go to the hotel they get all ‘but I need you to come!’
NO YOU DON’T YOU AREN’T A CHILD!!!
GO HOME BY YOURSELF.
or ‘but what if someone does something to you and I’m not there?” or “Knowing you, you’ll talk to anyone and get sold into human trafficking” or the joke about me cheating on them.... haha because that’s really what it’s about. Control.
I am so mad at myself that I didn’t see through this shit earlier. I thought I had to suck things up for them.
If I ever date again, I have no intention of asking that person to attend anything they don’t like. I don’t wanna beg. I don’t wanna hear why they hate such and such. I don’t want to listen them pout, or shit on anything I love. So they can stay the fuck at home and I can go an enjoy it myself. If they can’t stay at home, and be cool with me doing awesome things by myself, then they can fuck right off. I also expect them to be able to do awesome things by their self, to have friends, and have their own life outside of me.
If for some reason it becomes a surprise they don’t like an event (play, movie, etc), they can leave in the middle, and meet me afterwards for nachos.
Just be like “Have fun. I’ll be at the bar/restaurant/etc, see you later!”