Right off the bat, let me say this: I don't know about boys. They are a crazy mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped up in a riddle wrapped in unreturned text messages. I don't know about adding one to my life. My life is pretty sweet and I like it as it is right now. I don't particularly want a boyfriend. However, I'm too young to just be celibate the rest of my life. And I can't do casual sex because of reasons. So, that means I'm left trying to date. Which, overall, I feel pretty meh about.

You guise, dating sucks. I feel like I'm not doing it right. I'm open about how I feel. I call or text as soon as I see the message. I answer questions honestly. THIS IS NOT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO. There's a giant game being played and nobody told me the rules. Even with people are clearly not 'players', I'm still doing something wrong.

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Here's a list of things I think I'm doing wrong.

  • I am incapable of playing it cool. If I like you, there's no doubt I like you. If I don't, well, you know that too. I'm kind of an open book like that. I think maybe it's too intense for people?
  • I'm dating while fat. Now, I know lots of people do this with no problem. And I'm super open about being a fat person. It's not a secret. AT ALL. But I feel like I get shot down fast, or not given a chance at all. Which is okay! Everybody has a type. But if you go on a date with me, it should not come as a surprise I'm fat. I mention it at least once in my profile, and I have full length photos on my account.
  • I don't like crowded trendy places. I can't stand hipsters or crowds of people who add 'ista' to words. I don't care if the ice is your whiskeymargaritini looks like a baseball. It's overpriced and your patrons are pretentious.

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So, GTers, is there hope for me? Will anybody ever like me enough to date me the 6 months it usually takes to get in my pants? Should I give up and get a hitachi wand and another 28 cats? (For an even 30!) Should I change??? What else do you think I might be doing wrong? What do you do wrong?

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Give me your dating tips, hivemind. I need them, or I'm going to bow out of this mess altogether. Because, ugh.