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A Better Infinity War

Infinity War sucked ass guys. I know I’m late to the party on this because I waited for it to come on streaming, but I’m still mad about it. And I have some ideas on how it could have been better. Feel free to write your own ideas in the comments too!

Fuck off with the Thanos content, no one cares, same with Gamora and Nebula.

Leave Tony, Dr. Strange, and Last Chris on that planet trying to out asshole each other. Every so often cut to silhouettes of them looking like the arrogant douchebags they are with Peter Parker in the foreground looking bored juggling web balls. (Plus: Spidey finally gets over his hero worship of Tony which is long overdue)


Martin Freeman, Shuri, Drax, Valkyrie and the 2 gladiator robots(weren’t they robots?) from Thor Ragnarok go to Niflheim and start the forge. Then Shuri goes back to Wakanda and giant Peter Dinklage* and Valkyrie sit around and crack short jokes about Martin Freeman. Drax and the robots run the forge making stupid shit and amusing themselves (Note for Disney marketeers - have them make and try on a Mickey hat and then you call sell the shit out of aluminum foil Mickey ears in the parks plus random objects from the forge of the gods.)

Back in Wakanda Shuri takes Black Panther, Bucky, Bearded Cap and Shorn Thor to the armory and they geek out and try cool weapons for oh let’s say half an hour...shirtless.

Meanwhile Rocket and Groot are hanging with the war rhinos and Rocket comes up with a way to weaponize them even more and builds some vibranium armor for Groot after the rhinos keep taking bites of wood from his ass. The armor, naturally, farts when Groot walks because Rocket is a 12 yo boy.

Every so often we see a red/yellow burst in the distance and someone remarks that Vision is coming. Because he and Elizabeth Olsen deserve to bone I think. Also because I have a 12 yo boy in my heart too.


Would this version of the movie make any sense? Nope. But the original didn’t either so who cares?


*Are we okay with giant Peter Dinklage? I mean I guess he is, but then he also got paid. I admit I had a moment of grimace where I sat there like are we sure this is cool? Cause people are giggling at the idea of him being a giant precisely because he’s a little person.

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