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A crappy day made somewhat less crappy

Coming home from work today to find that I now have GT Mainpage privileges!

When dreaming of this momentous and life-affirming day, I imagined myself going on an unrestrained GIF spree and driving you all nuts with endless Drag Race and Sherlock pics, but all-in-all I'm feeling rather subdued.

You see, I had a bit of a crap day. I started a temp job this week, and I've really been enjoying it even though it's mostly filing papers and keeping things orderly around a small office. It's a short-term contract (although I'd probably extend it if they offered), so rather than feeling relieved that I was able to find a company willing to hire me, instead I feel panicky about how I'm going to have to start over when the contract ends.

I'm living with my parents at the moment, trying to find a job in a field where I won't mind spending a good few years so I can move out on my own and provide for my SO and myself when she moves over here next year (long-distance relationships suck, bee-tee-dubs), and every time I think of the future I feel my chest tighten and my anxiety rise and it makes me feel sick.

I've spent so long not being able to look ahead more than three months at a time, and now I'm back to that point again, and I just can't deal with it. My SO and I keep trying to make plans and reassure ourselves that it's not stupid for us to want to move across oceans for each other, but I feel like such a disappointment because I can't give her any answers beyond "I'm still looking for a job". None of it is in my hands, and I have no time frame for when I we could make concrete decisions for out future, and it's driving me crazy and slowly sapping away all of my hope. I fluctuate between an almost manic optimism and very real depression - I have most of my life - and right now I'm quite firmly on the latter side of the spectrum.

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I'm sorry I couldn't make my first post any more exciting; I just need to vent right now. Thanks again to all of the GT community for being so great and maintaining this amazing space for us to (virtually) live in.

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