He lit seventeen cigarettes, because who the fuck cared. โ€œIโ€™m a man,โ€ he announced to the room. โ€œIโ€™m a goddamn man and sometimes I have to make the tough decisions that no one asked me to make and my jaw looks like a shovel and I have an important job, so fuck you,โ€ just in case someone was listening.

โ€” Mallory Ortberg is my everything.