Thanks everyone who responded so kindly on Friday. I was spiralling a bit and it helped reading what you all wrote. I’m sorry that I didn’t get a chance to reply to many of you (I usually make a point of replying to everyone!) but here’s what happened next!
I worked late on Friday and BG hung around. I felt guilty and was sure he would feel impatient, but in true fashion he was just happily hanging around his and then my office until I was finished. He didn’t mind it a bit. We got home and I was quite exhausted, from the emotional week, working lots and just not being completely better yet. We hung around so I could get my energy back a bit
BG “This week was hard huh..? I didn’t take care of you very well this week did I? I wasn’t paying enough attention..”
Me “..well.. it’s not your job. I have to take care of myself..”
BG “..it kind of is. *hug* I’m sorry..”
It’s amazing how fast one can start to feel better after just a hug.
When I mentioned later I’d started off the day with such a bad feeling about my work he facepalmed himself instantly and muttered “I’m such an idiot. I should not have said that. I get so critical, I should’ve kept my mouth shut.” He felt like I didn’t get half the time I deserved to do the work I’d done that week. (We used to work in the same office and he quite hates my managers for the way everything is done.)
That night we went to my friends party after I’d had some time to relax and it actually was a lot of fun! I was so happy I got to see them again, it’d been far too long. Poor boobieguy found himself stuck at an all-girl party (I had no idea I swear) so instead of pouting he invited a friend and had a blast! It was great to see. When we got home that night he was a bit drunk and I still had my job and how worthless I feel at it on my mind. He mentioned how impressed he was by his younger mate and all that he knew and that he felt like he was falling behind sometimes. “How’d you think I feel?” I said in passing “I’m 7 years older than my friends and peers and I suck”.
We ended up talking for a great while longer. He listened as I ranted on about how terrible I feel I am at my job. How worthless and without any skill or refinement I am and will always be. I’m usually a bit scared to talk about these feelings as strongly as I feel them. It feels so overly dramatic, you know? But this time I just blurted it out! He waited until I’d finished ranting, asking here and there and then asked how I felt I could improve some of these things. Trying to help me come up with a battle plan that I’d feel comfortable with. When I said I didn’t have a clue he hugged me and told me he felt the same way. That every day he went to work and feared that this was the day that someone would figure out that he was ‘just doing a part’ (this is a quote he says a lot, as in, only part of the whole and an insignificant part at that). Which is ridiculous because he is brilliant in most everything he does. Except bicycling. And cooking. I’m a far better cook. Trust.
After a bit he said “Well.. since you think I’m so smart you’ll just have to believe me when I tell you that I don’t only think your beautiful and kind but that you are incredibly smart and talented, far more than me. And since you think I’m smarter than you, you have to believe that! So there!” I couldn’t help but laugh at him and his drunk goof logic. “Next time when you feel these feelings.” He said “Please tell me.. So I can help. Or at least listen. They are normal feelings.. You don’t need to be ashamed or anything. I’ll still love you just the same you know.” It makes me feel better to know that he feels that way.
I don’t know what I’m going to do about how I feel about my job or more really about myself. But I do know that I don’t feel lonely and spiralling within these feelings anymore. Somehow he can make me feel supported. Kind of like GT can! I didn’t know that was a thing in relationships before. I’m glad it’s a thing. I like this thing.
I hope you lovely GT people get or have this thing too :)