Act I: In Which a Friend Wants Advice on a Thing (but not the advice I am giving)

Friend: Hey, I'm thinking about doing this thing!

Me: ... Oh, neat. That sounds different than everything you've ever said you wanted to do.

Friend: Yeah, I know, but I've decided to disregard all facts and do this because I am irrationally attached to this one result.

Me: That's good. So ... you're ignoring the other eleven results? The ones that are in direct opposition to the things you said five minutes ago you value?

Friend: Yes! Consequences be damned! I will do this thing!

Me: Cool.

Friend: I will now pressure you to do this thing with me!

Me: Well, it's interesting ... I would really like to, but that doesn't fit with my goals right this second.

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Friend: I'm not listening! If you don't do this thing, you're a lazy, useless person.

Me: That's not very nice. You should totally do it, though.

Friend: I'm still not listening! But I am judging! You must do this thing! I am doing this thing, and therefore this thing is a thing everyone must do!

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Me: .... ok?


Act II: Six months pass. Friend grows tired of doing The Thing. Friend decides to quit the thing. My life circumstances change, and I begin to look into the thing.
Friend: You shouldn't do that thing! It takes too much time! You should spend that time doing other things!

Me: Yes, that would be nice. Unfortunately, I need a few of the results of That Thing, and will have to do something unpleasant to achieve those results. This is the lesser of two evils.

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Friend: YOU ARE RUINING YOUR LIFE. THAT THING IS WRONG FOR ME AND THEREFORE WRONG FOR EVERYONE.

Me: Strictly speaking, I'm not sure that's true.

Friend: I'm not listening because I'm judging you.

Me: This feels familiar.

Friend: THAT'S BECAUSE WE'VE DONE THIS BEFORE, BUT IN REVERSE. YOU MUST NOT DO THAT THING, EVEN THOUGH YOUR SURVIVAL DEPENDS UPON IT.

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Me: Ok. I gotta go bitch to GroupThink.

Friend: I'M TOO BUSY SPEAKING IN ALL CAPS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS CONVERSA-...