So I'm paying for my good day with the peep yesterday. It went okay. Our morning was great. She's always in such a great mood in the morning. We played on her play mat, she worked on "crawling" aka pushing herself backwards and getting pissed, and we babbled to each other. She ate well and took her first two naps fine for me. I was feeling pretty much like super mom. Then the peep spent the entire afternoon being unhappy any time I left her side, didn't want to be put down and my anxiety skyrocketed. Something about her needing me sent me into a panic and I wanted nothing to do with her. So by the time the big bird got home I was ready for happy hour. We ended up getting sushi because the wine bar we were meeting at was closed on Mondays. So I had plum wine and chatted with my friends. It was nice. I felt like me again. Then I had to go home.

I felt stressed and agitated all evening. I took an Ativan to help me sleep. And even hit the hay about a half hour early. The peep has a "parent/teacher conference" with the daycare at 6 tonight so I had plans to stay at work late to make up some of the time I missed staying home yesterday. I slept like shit last night. I woke up at midnight, 2am and 4am for at least 45 minutes and when my alarm went off at 6am I felt like I could have slept for hours. So I called in. I admitted I wasn't sleeping well and needed to take the day to snooze. I'm starting to get worried for my job. I should probably call my psychiatrist to get a doctor's note. I'm under performing when I'm at work and I've called in more in the first 3 months of the year than I have in the past 4 years of working there. I'm struggling more days than not it feels like.

I need to figure out a way to stay asleep. I can't turn off my brain once I wake up unless I'm high. Occasionally I'll sneak downstairs and toke up a bit and watch some shitty tv and be able to fall back asleep and stay asleep until the alarm goes off. I always feel like shit though. I wake up a groggy mess and end up hitting snooze too many times, making my husband behind in his routine or worse, I turn off my alarm with the intention of waking up only to fall asleep until I'm late for work. Most of the time when I can't sleep though, I just lay there until it's time to get up. The therapist told me to just think "all I need to do is sleep." but that hasn't really helped me fall back asleep. The fact that I don't really have a set time to come in makes it hard for me to stick to a schedule in the morning.

Also my SIL made a huge fucking deal about the big bird coming home early to watch the peep so I could go out with my friends. Like he got major kudos. And yes, thanks dude. I do appreciate it but I don't remember anyone falling all over themselves to say what an awesome wife I was to let him go away for an entire weekend. He's going to some '80s tribute band this Friday with his coworkers. We're a team. AND the icing on the cake is my father in law went to the ER yesterday where they found out he had broken 2 more ribs. Most likely due to the cancer weakening his bones and all the coughing he does. The big bird is always in such a rotten mood (understandably) when there is bad news about his dad's health. A part of me (an absolutely horrible part of me) wishes he would get it over with and die. The roller coaster of him getting sick, going into remission for a few months, and then getting sick again is so emotionally draining. The chemo is so rough on him. It's miserable for everyone.

So I guess I'll just be hanging around here all day again being my usual ray of sunshine self. Thanks for letting me vent and for distracting me from my pathetic life.