Hi! I've missed you very much! It's only been 5 days, so it hasn't really been that long. But, since y'all are such a huge part of my family I want to briefly share what I've been doing: Mr. Bright Eyes and I are getting a divorce.
If we've talked in the past week or two about this, I thought, at first, he was being terrible and crazy and horrible. But, as days have passed, I've realized that we cannot possibly continue down the path we are on AND before you advocate counseling, please understand we are HUGE supporters of counseling.
I'm sad right now, obviously, and know that I'm going to be all over the place emotionally. I'm moving back in with my parents for awhile (which I'll address in more detail later), but they are taking such great care of me. Since they live in another city, my best friend from Austin drove in yesterday just to have lunch with me. I am profoundly sad, I'm still very much in love with Mr. BE, but I'm not depressed. I had become so, unknowingly depressed in our life together in Austin that being here feels like I can breathe.
Neither Mr. BEs or I have a negative thing to say about one another. There's no argument impending over belongings or finances- we're going to continue jointly paying off our bills, so we both start anew, seperatly, on a good, financial footing. I have Medicare through my SS, so when things are truly finalized and I lose his insurance, I will still be fine. I know the calm seems like a show- it's not- this would be much clearer for my heart if I hated him.
Very briefly (as I'm sure you're dying to know, though I'm sure in the coming weeks this will pour out onto my kinja blog), this is what is right for us, because there's nothing the emotional support, learning and healing that counseling could provide us as a couple (no worries, seeing a therapist is priority #1 next week). Neither of us is guilty and I hope he doesn't feel that way in the long-term. We met when we were 21/22 and had, honest-to-God, spent very few nights apart since we met. Neither of us has ever "adulted" on their own. I went from leaving my parents house, to living with the same four roommates for four years, straight to living with Mr. BE. I went from my parents paying for everything (this is not a complaint, I know how privlidged I was/am) to Mr. BE and I sharing every financial decision. I've never had my own finances, nor has he.
I'm a hugely codependent person- up until now I've flailed when it came to socially functioning on my own. I have to figure all of these out, or at least start to, and figure out who and what I am on my own. How do I like spending time when it's not based on somebody else's needs or wants?
There was probably some point along the way when we could've worked on this together, but I'm not sure when that would have been. We grew up together and became adults together and I wouldn't change a minute of it- but we can't be adults that destroy one another and are just one giant blob of a person.
Favorite friends, I've wanted to tell you guys what was happening, but I needed to wrap my head around it first. I'm profoundly grieving for the loss of the man I've shared the past 8 years and 13 days with, but I am so thankful for having shared that time and my heart with him and that we are parting with love for one another as the reason. [I may have to send him this as this is so much more clearly thought out than the Goodbyes and apologies we've been sharing.] I'm waiting until I'm ready to go pack my things and bring them home (to my Parent's). Hopefully in a couple of weeks Mr. BEs and I can have a teary dinner after I pack my things and say our goodbyes (my BFF will help me pack so it doesn't get too sobby).
Thank you for listening- I know I'm going to need your help and love that's always there in the coming weeks.