Where on Earth do I start on the crazy, incredible, fantastic last few days?! The last thing I posted was about coming out to my best friend on Friday - something I needed to do to give myself the strength to come out to my girlfriend on Sunday. Which I did.
I picked my gf up from the airport on Sunday morning, and pretty much the second I saw her all the apprehension and fear and worry that I’d been feeling about telling her just melted away, and instead I just felt so excited to finally open up about being trans and actually bring it into my ‘real life’. I can’t really remember much of Sunday morning - I think I was kind of in a fog as all I wanted to do was get home and have ‘the talk’, but we needed to get lunch and stuff so I was feeling a bit impatient! When we did finally get home, I gave myself a little pep talk in the bathroom mirror and sat down to talk with her.
I’m not entirely sure what reaction I was expecting - I guess I don’t know how I would feel if I were in the reverse situation, so I wasn’t sure what would happen. She was very happy for me that I was coming out, but at the same time wanted lots of reassurance that who I am isn’t going to change and that she’s not going to lose all the parts of me that she’s fallen in love with. All I could do is be honest and say that my personality - who I am inside - won’t really change, but as I explore and practice ‘being me’ the way I act and present to the world may be fluid for a while. We talked a lot about transitioning and all the practical details involved, and it felt so great to be able to be really open and honest and speak frankly about everything. I think once the initial shock wore off and we had talked so much about it she was much more comfortable with it all, and I could really sense it as the day went on.
Since then, things have been absolutely amazing! I’ve always known that my partner is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I would never have believed that I could feel any closer or more in love with her than I already did. I feel like finally being able to be myself is making me more positive and emotionally available, rather than cynical or closed-off, and the love I have felt over the past few days has been unreal! We went shopping on Monday and yesterday for some cute clothes for both of us, and she took me to Boots and got me all set up with some essential make-up stuff (obligatory Jinkx Monsoon GIF below). On Monday night she even showed me how to do eye shadow and mascara, and I realised when I looked in the mirror that I have really pretty eyes :) It’s basically been like every dream of mine come true at once, and although I’ve felt a bit down about having to dress in boy clothes for work in the mornings, being able to look forward to going home and being myself with the person I love most is such a great feeling.
But you guise *TMI-
Tuesday Wednesday alert*...can I tell you about the sexy times?! Since Sunday the sex we’ve been having has been absolutely earth-shatteringly, knee-quakingly, mind-bendling awesome! Like, there are not enough adjectives to describe how much (and how often) we’ve been rocking each other’s worlds this week! We’ve always had a bit of a conventional love life, but for the first time I feel like I can be myself in bed, react and feel how I truly want, not how I’m expected to be. Everything feels more equal, like I don’t have to be the dominant one just because that’s the role I’m supposed to play, and we can both communicate our desires up front and focus on each other’s bodies. We’ve both been going at each other like horny rabbits and just hearing her scream my name, my real name, in bed has been such a fulfilling, validating experience. She’s been so positive and open and, well, kinky that I don’t know which one of us is getting more out of it! The fact that she’s been so willing and excited to see me as a woman in bed has really helped me be present and in-the-moment with her, and the same goes for relatively few moments we’ve been out of bed too!
I guess a big discovery about myself is that, contrary to what I always thought, I’m not actually shy or embarrassed of sex. I always used to get a bit uncomfortable talking about it (and sometimes even doing it) because I was never sure if what I liked, or my opinions or experiences, were ‘appropriate’ for a man to have - the massive disconnect between what my body and mind want and what years of socialisation have taught me is acceptable has always been a bit of a blocker. Now, in this brave new world of womanhood, I don’t feel like I have to apologise or over-analyse myself - instead I can just be open and frank about what feels good, what I like and how I see myself in bed. I feel confident and proud and sexual for the first time, and knowing that from now on I can really, really enjoy myself is just such a change for me. From what I’ve seen from my partner, I think she’s feeling a lot of the same feelings :)
Anyway, sorry for the massive TMI dump - I just wanted to write down some of these thoughts before they fade and become routine, because I never want to forget how magical the last few days have been. I used to feel anxiety and worry about my future - my job, where I might live, having a family and all that - but it’s all been replaced with genuine excitement and enthusiasm. There is a whole future ahead of me that I just couldn’t see before, and I cannot wait for the next great moment to come!