So, it's been months since I last posted. For the most part I've been taking a break from the internet because I would inevitably loose focus and find myself looking into some obscure breast cancer statistic or study and then fall down the rabbit hole. It was pretty distressing.
However, with the help of the best psychologist in the BC world, I have taught myself to restrain myself from going down that hole. And if I do, to keep it as short as possible and do the many coping exercises I've been taught to get me out of the resulting funks and/or near anxiety attacks.
Anywho, for the past 4 or so months I have bee undergoing chemo. The first part of chemo was a bitch, but I apparently handled it pretty well. This current course of chemo I'm on is known for being a whole lot easier and it is. It really doesn't interrupt anything except for the day during my weekly visits where I'm at the treatment center for at least half the day and I arrive home pretty much knocked out from the Benadryl via IV they give me as a pre med. IV Benadryl is some serious shit.
I've been working full time throughout all of this and have been seeking some support (other than the best psychologist in the world) through a small under 40 BC group here in the city. I did try out a large, well established under 40 group, but it was too overwhelming and full of a lot of women going through stuff that I couldn't relate to or seemed much more serious than what I felt like I was/am going through.
My next step starts in August. That next step? I don't know. I had a lumpectomy to start with which usually puts the woman onto the radiation path (they radiate your whole breast, with boosts to the tumor bed, to kill off any possible stray cancer cells), but I did leave open the open of just going ahead and having a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. Going with the latter option I can avoid radiation and have a lower risk of local recurrence, which would be nice. However, a mastectomy and its recovery and econstruction is medium to high risk surgery. It takes about a year to complete it all. And then you have breasts which may or may not be amazing looking and will have little to no feeling. So, ugh... I was leaning toward the surgery, but more recently I have been leaning toward radiation with the thought that it'd be nice to save my breasts and if I can't take the anxiety of keeping them and going through frequent scanning and monitoring, I can always have the surgery later (with the caveat that my reconstruction options may be reduced).
So, that's where I'm at. Most days I'm pretty good. I'm a realist, but a pretty a positive one. I don't believe in the power of positive thinking; I don't think it'll influence anything, but I do believe that helps me now to just accept that this is what it is and try to make the best of it.