I have a close friend who is a legitimately nice dude. He has bad luck with the ladies, and he’ll mention it, but it never is a tone of negativity toward women or some sort of distorted idea of what they *actually* want. He hangs with a lot of women.

A female friend of ours got divorced a few years ago and started hanging out with us - she’d been a coworker and didn’t know him before, really. He developed a crush on her which was well-known but he held back - 1, because he knew that she probably wouldn’t go for it and he still wanted to be friends with her because she’s cool, and - 2, because she was coming off a divorce and he felt that pursuing her was a bit predatory. She wasn’t really much of a topic of conversation past the initial point. As far as I can tell, he wasn’t fixated on her or anything.

So, about 2.5 years into this, in a drunken conversation where he’s not present, she finds out that he’d had a crush on her but never acted on it. She went apeshit about it! She said she felt violated and used. While I can accept those feelings, I just don’t know what she wanted - was he supposed to pursue her? Dump her as a friend because she wouldn’t fuck him? As far as I know (and as far as she’s mentioned), he never touched her inappropriately or acted predatory to her. Her most recent interaction before she got angry was that he drove her home when she got too drunk to drive at the 4th of July - I asked her if he pulled anything, and he didn’t, but she said the very fact he did that* was wrong.

So she has spent the past couple of weeks just berating the guy, basically. Getting drunk and calling him and telling him he’s disgusting and no wonder women hate him. I’ve tried to reach out and make sure to invite him to things - she hasn’t even been around so no danger of them having to see each other - but he’s really hidden himself away.

I’m aggravated at her reaction. I understand that there is maybe something going on I’m unaware of, and I have very little information from his end because he’s backed away from all of us. But, based on what I know, this seems to be too much right?

I totally get that finding out someone has had a crush on you can give you the creeps. And if he ever acted inappopriately toward her, I understand anger. I can’t tell her how to feel but the response seems disproportionate based on what information I have and what she’s telling everyone. Basically, she keeps saying that he was “deceptive in his friendship” and we should all be outraged. I’ve been in that position, with a guy who did something similar - quietly had a crush, quietly supressed it, and I found out years later. I just didn’t share this kind of rage.

Advertisement

*He lives near her on the other side of town and she was trying to drive herself home.