To whom it may concern, by which I mean anyone who makes drinks or drinks drinks.

Martinis, do not, under any circumstances, contain any of the following ingredients:

1. Vodka, for the love of everything holy.

2. Especially vodka that is the equivalent of a liquid scratch-and-sniff sticker, or, worse, Schnapps.

3. Chocolate sauce. Caramel sauce. Marshmallow fluff. This is not Dairy Queen.

All of these things have a place. Even in alcohol-based drinks. That place is not in a martini.

A martini is good gin, although shitty gin is okay if that's all you have, the tiniest whisper of vermouth, and an olive or an onion, if you're dirty. (rawr.) I fall on the stir-instead-of-shake side of things (shaking melts the ice more than a gentle stir), but I won't fault you for shaking if you're shaking actual gin.

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I see you there, vodka martini lovers, and I know the arguments you are preparing to make, but you're wrong. You too, froufy "martini" lovers. There's nothing at all wrong with froufy drinks, but don't call them martinis.

The image below, from the menu of a local place, reads "Salted Caramel Martini - Captain Morgan, DeKuyper Butterscotch Schnapps, half-n-half, simple syrup, chocolate and caramel sauces. $9"

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This is not a martini. Frankly, it's a really expensive way to give yourself a stomach ache and a terrible hangover if you happen to drink enough of them to get your buzz on.

As your friend, or that person who posts things in the middle of the night on GT, I encourage you to keep the bullshit out of your martinis.