Had lunch with my mom, grandfather, aunt, cousin and his wife and their 6 month old. Rant ahead.
The only time I ever feel like I’m a major fuckup at life anymore is when I am around them. It’s not so much around my mom and granddad, in general they are great, despite us all having our differences. The others, though...like, I know I will never be able to have a really deep or supportive relationship with any of them. It’s still shitty though, and it still hurts.
Yes, I know I’m a heathen because I’m not a baptist, I have been known drink before noon some days (only on weekends...) plus I’m an unmarried woman at the ripe and spinsterly age of 28 with no man on the horizon and no plans for kids in the foreseeable future. I guess you could say I’m married to my work, I’m busting my ass in my classes, looking at my graduate school options, considering getting a PhD, and over the holiday break I’ll be looking for some relevant work experience in social services (I’m going into mental health as a profession). I feel like I’m doing some really good and important things, and it sucks to get no credit or recognition from anyone because I haven’t followed the correct sequence in their eyes. A woman wanting to be devoted to her work (something I seriously feel like I’m called to do) and not wanting to get tied down to one person or place until I’m good and ready just doesn’t compute.
All through lunch I sat through all of this glowing attention on my cousin and his wife, who are buying a house and had their first baby in February. They dominated the conversation for the entire 3 hours. At the end of the lunch, as we were walking out, my aunt goes “so are you in school, or, whatever...?” End of conversation.
I just hate it. I’ve tried many times over to have a better relationship with them. To share of myself, and nobody seems to give a damn. I know I should just keep my boundaries firm and get my needs met elsewhere, but fuck. I so often get sucked back into wanting love and support from them that I’ve never gotten.