So here I am single on Valentine's Day. I have no problem with that, actually, but it is making me reflective. Nostalgic, if you will, for the love of years long gone. And I have loved, oh yes — intensely, passionately and without reserve. On occasion I have even loved an actual living, breathing human being. But today I'm not concerned with living, breathing human beings. No, today I would like to honour a group of people who will always hold a very special place in my heart: the TV boyfriends who got me through the 90s.

Our journey starts with a little show that you have never heard of: Time Trax. Time Trax was the story of Darien Lambert, a cop sent back to our time from 2193. His primary duty was to track down and return criminals who had also traveled back in time to escape incarceration in the future. His secondary duty was to make my 14-year-old heart go pitter-pat. As was normal for the time he grew up in, Darien Lambert had mental and physical abilities that made the people of 1993 look like weak, stupid babies. This made me love him all the more, and my addled adolescent mind spent hours inventing scenarios where he would rescue me from an evil future criminal and we would KISS and KISS and KISS. And can you blame me?

Time Trax only lasted a season, but that didn't matter to me because I had moved on to The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. This would actually be the start of a decade-long infatuation with Bruce Campbell. Brisco was a lawyer turned bounty hunter who was trying to find the man who killed his father (Brisco County Sr, duh). He could apparently also talk to his horse, Comet. The man who killed his father was in fact a criminal from the future (WHAT), and there was this whole subplot involving spiky orbs with mysterious powers. This was super convenient for me, because it allowed me to develop an intricate fantasy around finding one of these orbs and being sent back in time to a HIGHLY romanticized 1895, where Brisco and I would tame the Wild West and eventually get married. There was a minor setback involving an episode where he appeared shirtless. In none of my fantasies had he been quite so hairy, and it was rather intimidating to my nascent sexuality. It also really hammered home the fact that I was a 15 year old with a penchant for middle-aged men. But I got over it!

The cancellation of Brisco devastated me, but salvation came in the form of Ensign Tom Paris from Star Trek: Voyager. Yeah, I don't really know what to say about this one. I was desperate, I guess. I even wrote "I love Tom Paris" over and over like fifty times in a friend's yearbook. Hopefully she has either lost or burned it. I would still give anything to live in Star Trek, though.


Because no reasonable person could possibly sustain a crush on Tom Paris longterm, that fizzled out after a season or three. I was now obsessively watching Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. I actually started watching because Sam Raimi was the executive producer, and I hoped that his protégé Bruce Campbell would eventually show up - which he did, but on Xena. It didn't matter, though, because by that time I was head over heels for Hercules' sidekick Iolaus. Truth be told, I'm still a little in love with Iolaus. His blond curly locks. His little vest and his little chest and his tight little pants. His little self. So cute! I had many a daydream about adventuring through Ancient Greece and resolving sexual tension with that guy, let me tell you.


So there you have it, my heart laid bare. I don't get these kind of crazy, all-consuming crushes on fictional characters anymore, and frankly sometimes I miss it. But now it's your turn. Tell me about your ridiculous and embarassing infatuations with people who will never know you exist because THEY do not in fact exist. The more obscure and inappropriate the better. Tell me about the convoluted stories that you invented to bring you and your beloved together. Bonus points if they involve time travel, because I apparently am super into that. I can't be the only one, right??