It's late, so y'all might not see this but that's okay. I need to get this out.
So I went on an OKC date tonight. It was pretty great, compared to my last few experiences. We had drinks, shared food, had a good conversation that flowed and was interesting and engaging (despite his apparent enthusiasm for heavy metal). We also made vague plans to hang out again, and I would like to.
But. He did something that I hate hate hate. I take public transportation, and he walked me to my bus stop. As my bus was pulling up, I turned to him to say goodbye. He reached out to give me a hug, which I obliged because I had a good time. But then he awkwardly weirdly tried to make it into a kiss (I ended up turning my head just barely, so he kissed my cheek instead) - and I hate that. I almost feel like I'm being tricked into it, like a hug is this tacit agreement for more when I'm thinking it's just a hug. It's happened to me several times now, and each time it leaves me feeling...bleh.
To be fair to these guys, they have no way of knowing that I'm, well, completely inexperienced. Up until a few weeks ago (wherein I made out with a good friend in a bad whiskey-fueled mistake), I had never kissed anyone. Ever. I have never been in a relationship, and I'd never really been on a date before. Also, I'm pretty sure that my hesitation about kissing and/or any physical intimacy (aside from hugging, I like hugs!) stems partly from my religious upbringing where the thought of pre-marital sex used to fill me with so much guilt that I'd feel physically nauseated.
The big thing for me right now, as I'm "testing the water" so to speak, is feeling comfortable, setting-wise and with the other person. At a metro station or a crowded bus stop, with a person I just met IRL a few hours ago...not my idea of feeling comfortable. I mean, I theoretically would like to kiss this dude at some point and I'm not asking for a grassy knoll at sunset with fireworks going off or whatever romantic-comedy scenario - I just want to feel like the kiss was at least partially my idea. And I feel like my agency is taken from me in situations like the one I described.
My questions are: am I being unreasonable? Is it solely my problem and something that I'm just going to have to deal with if I'm going to be doing this online dating thing*? Is it unreasonable to not want to kiss after a good first date? Is it just me? (And related: how do I even begin to bring this up to someone without scaring them away?)
*granted, I realize I have some personal issues relating to my body and my sexuality that I am working on - and I am looking for a therapist to talk with about them but it's proving harder than I initially thought. In the meantime...