"Are you looking forward to dinner with him tomorrow night?"

I paused before I answered...most people would answer affirmatively: "Yes, of course I'm looking forward to having Valentine's Day dinner with my boyfriend"...I'd made these reservations a month ago at my favorite restaurant...a hidden gem that just so happens to be located on my block...it's where I planned dates for when I decided I wanted to sleep with someone for the first time...the romantic atmosphere and convenient location were very conducive to this...

Earlier that day, my boyfriend had emailed me saying that he couldn't spend the night after our dinner because he had to go home and walk the dog. When we first started dating, he'd arrange for a dog walker when he planned to spend the night at my place...guess those days were over...

This 25-year-old former student of mine, he knew what he was doing...he was extracting from me all the information he needed to continue his seduction plan: 1) Are you happy in your relationship and 2) Would you like to go back to my place, get high and watch me play guitar?

Student Boy had friended me on Facebook after the semester was over. Since he was no longer my student and he had finished his last semester at the university, I saw no reason not to keep in touch with him. He eventually asked if I'd like to join him for happy hour beers and I figured "Why not?" I was sure he'd always had a crush on me, but would he really be ballsy enough to seduce his former teacher who he knew had a boyfriend?

As the night dragged on, we went out again for more beer and then decided to go get something to eat...we didn't quite make it to our destination...

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I was mid-sentence when he grabbed my hand and kissed me. I felt alive...I wanted to climb him like a tree and just swallow him whole...

I couldn't wait to get back to his place...I actually started running there (also, it was very cold outside).

From the way I pounced on this guy, you'd think I hadn't had sex in ages (in a sense, I hadn't)...Every time I orgasmed, I felt like I was going to pass out...I could not keep my hands off him, even when he had to leave to go to work the next day...I clasped him in between my legs so he couldn't escape.

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I was putting off the inevitable: the 10-block walk of shame back to my apartment...I wasn't ashamed for having had amazing sex, but I did feel guilty for cheating on my boyfriend...on Valentine's Day of all days...

I knew I couldn't go to dinner with my boyfriend that night...as soon as I got home, I called him up and told him it was over. Interestingly, he started telling me that he was having his doubts as to whether we were a good match...but he was still in a state of shock and had to go...he did sound shaky.

I didn't tell him what happened...why rub salt in the wound? He was just beginning to process our breakup...

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I never did tell him that I cheated on him...maybe he was eventually able to guess...

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[Trigger Warning: sexual assault/grey rape]

So who the hell does that: cheats on her boyfriend and then breaks up with him on Valentine's Day?

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Certainly not someone who's happy with her relationship...

I remember when I would pack up to leave for my ex-boyfriend's apartment to spend the weekend there, I would take. my. time. I was in no hurry to get there...It made me wonder whether or not I was happy with him...

What I didn't realize at the time is that my hesitation in going over to his place was a result of fear. This fear response was shaped by repeatedly finding myself having sex I didn't want to be having, often while I was heavily sedated by weed and alcohol.

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I remember the first time waking up next to him with a feeling that could be described by one word: raped. I realized that I had very little memory of the night before as a result of being high and drunk...but I was naked and moist, so I knew we'd had sex...I just...wasn't really present for it.

I didn't say anything because, I mean, if I really didn't want to have sex with him, I could've said something...plus, we'd been having sex so infrequently because of my low sex drive (I was on Zoloft at the time), so the least I could do was just let him have me.

"Letting him have me" became routine...it meant that I could pass out without him poking at me the rest of the night...it meant that I was still a good girlfriend and not some frigid bitch who wasn't giving her boyfriend sex...it meant that I was like so many other women fulfilling their womanly duties to their men...

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[Trigger Warning: sexual assault/grey rape]

About a month later, I came across this xoJane article...it changed my life. It was the first time I'd heard of the concept of "grey rape" - when you could've said no, but he made no effort to solicit a "yes."

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After reading it, I cried...I realized that what my ex-boyfriend did to me over and over was wrong and was not my fault, especially since I was oftentimes under the influence of substances.

Reflecting further on my relationship, I also realized that he had other problematic behavior that was indicative of someone who did not respect my boundaries...he'd often grope me in public...one time, when we were at an outdoor party, he put his hand all the way up my skirt and people could see my underwear. I was horrified, but he "couldn't help himself." I talked to him about it later and told him to stop, and I think he did...I don't remember...

He'd also sneak up on me when I was in the shower...I'm a really jumpy person, so I'd hate it when he did this...sometimes he'd get into the shower with me...I didn't ever want him there, but you know, he was my boyfriend, so I didn't say anything because I didn't want to hurt his feelings...Over time, I began to feel anxious getting into the shower when he was around...

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He was an artist and constantly taking pictures...he was very good...but there are some that would qualify as creepshots...they weren't so much pictures of me but rather pictures of my butt or my knees in front of the opening of my skirt...

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I've written in the past about the importance of rediscovering my feminist voice. My experience with my ex-boyfriend is a perfect example of why I need feminism. Because of being reacquainted with the feminist movement, I learned to trust my feelings and what my feelings were telling me was that what my boyfriend was doing to me was wrong...it was disrespectful...it crossed boundaries that I should not have had to bring to his attention.

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Yes, it was wrong of me to cheat on him and break up with him on Valentine's Day. Perhaps I would have thought twice about cheating had I been in a relationship with someone who respected my bodily autonomy.

A year ago, I did the unthinkable, but it was because someone did the unthinkable to me...

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