I swear, someday I'll just post happy things and Carl Sagan gifs and whatnot. I promise.
Firstly I really do appreciate that you guys let me vent about this here and are so supportive. I really feel like I can't go many places in my real life for support; my real-life friends have previously dealt with a circle member who had ED, so I just...I can't go to them and say "hey, this incredibly powerful and negative thought pattern is taking over my brain and making me profoundly unhappy" because they just...I don't think they'd get it. I can't be that vulnerable with them. I'd like to make those sorts of friends in my new city; it's one of my goals. Corgiman helps a lot but I feel like I can't burden him all the damn time. So thank you, GT. You're one of my only outlets for this right now.
I checked with my psychiatrist yesterday and I don't think my weight is drug-related, so that's good in that I can probably lose it. I've decided to give my old meal plan a try before dropping money on a dietitian again. I'll sit down and plan out my meals for next week and see if it sets off my issues. I was able to very comfortably enjoy life last time I did this, but at the time I'd never really worked on losing weight and I had basically no expectations. This time, I do. And it's really difficult to let them go; it's irrational, but I get impatient and want to just wake up in the morning and have all my goals accomplished after trying for a few days or weeks. I know it'll take time and work, realistically. I know that I'll probably still be working on it by the time I move in August. But this is probably doable; I did it before and I maintained that weight for about four years. It's not a huge amount, either, less than 20 lbs, but I'm a small person so I perceive it to be a lot.
The other thing I'm fighting is this very irrational feeling that if I've missed the gym in any way then all my work is undone or even made worse. The reality is that one week off—0r even a week and a half—doesn't unravel everything. Bodies aren't that fragile. The other reality is that I'm probably heading back into PMS territory a little bit, which always brings some bloating. I've had those freakouts here before.
I'm crying as quietly as I can at my desk this morning, but I did walk to work and, well, today is the first day of the rest of my life, as they say.