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Adventures in Customer Service, Chapter 39,275: Parking

I live in a city where you have to park on the street always, wherever you go. There are meters on the main roads, and they are always checked and always ticketed. This is common knowledge. So here are some nice FAQs I have the pleasure of answering:

"Do y'all ticket?" (in reference to metered spots outside my place of business). No, ma'am. I do not ticket anyone. No one in this establishment tickets. We do not send our employees out to read the meters for the purpose of harassing our customers. In fact, none of us have ever written a parking ticket of any kind.

Related: "Do they check the meters?" Answer: yes. "Do you think they will write me a ticket if I don't pay the meter?" Yes. I do think that. They check the meters, ergo, you will get a ticket if you don't pay it.


"I'm supposed to park on the street? What if someone hits my car?" That's funny, do parking lots create a forcefield of invincibility around your car?

"I was told y'all had a parking lot." I do not know who told you that, ma'am. "I called here, I spoke to someone named [insert generic name that doesn't work here], and they said you definitely have a parking lot." How magical for you, that you had this unique experience no one else has ever had. Well, since you made up this story so that the thing you want to be true is true, I will pull a parking lot out of my tightly clenched anus, just for you. You are literally lying in order to accuse us of lying, but STILL to gain no parking lot.

And the crowning glory: "I got a parking ticket while I was at your establishment, and I feel I am entitled to a reimbursement from you." I have not once, not twice, but three times been personally asked to pay someone's parking ticket because they are too dumb to not get a parking ticket.

These are ALL not isolated occurrences.

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