FluterDog doesn't like things.

By "doesn't like things," I mean that FluterDog is terrified of most things. The latest catch-phrase around the house is, "Fuck trees." It's the catch-phrase because on seven consecutive walks, she walked past a tree as the leaves rustled in the wind. And proceeded to completely freak the heck out.

At wind. In the leaves.

Granted, they were giant fucking leaves. And it was a fierce and intimidating breeze. Horrifying.

Fuck trees.

She's also afraid of balloons, particularly if they're deflated. Crinkling plastic bags. Small children. Large children. Unknown humans. Sudden movements. Dumpsters. Bicycles. Wheelchairs. Skateboards. Paper bags. Orchids. Envelopes. Clickers. Horns. Sh*tty K*tty. Kitties who resemble Sh*tty. GEESE. Ducks (they look like geese)!

This is all part of the charm that makes her a beloved, if totally bone-headed dog. Today, she took it to a new level. To fully comprehend the dramaz, you need a tiny bit of background info.

Each person in my cellphone has their ringtone. (Not each - just the ones I'm likely to talk to in a given week). This is largely to better help me decide whether it's worth the energy to get up and see who is calling, but also because it makes me giggle.

With certain major life events coming up, the family has been calling a lot. The crazy family. The crazy family that leads to many awkward, overly emotional over-shares in public forums (Oh hey, GroupThink)!

They call. I panic. Swearing and panicking follow. Things get ugly.

Today the phone rang and, like clockwork, stupid FluterDog stood up, tucked tail, and ran to her safe-place in the back of a closet. She refused to come out until the call ended with, "Bye, Mom!"

My dog is afraid of trees and phone calls from my mother.