Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

Advice from a Raptor's Vagina!

Welcome back, peeps! Last week, my lovely co-host answered peoples questions about cloacas, among other things! I thought it excellent advice.

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Sorry the photo won’t upload. I’m at work and my work computer hates uploading photos to posts. So, there you have it. I may fix this later. It depends on how much wine it takes to cook dinner.

THAR BE OPINIONS AND SWEARS AHEAD, MATEYS! PREPARE THY RIGGING!

Apparently I’m feeling feisty today. And also wordy.

We even got some more questions to answer! Hooray! C’mon people, ask us more things! We like dispensing advice, even though we have literally no qualifications to speak of! Well maybe we have some. But why should that stop us from expounding on our solutions to your problems? You have problems, we have words! Let’s let them make beautiful beautiful babies!

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On to the questions!

Le Chategris asked:

This was most informative!

So what is the best way to convince your partner that nose hair really should be kept out of sight? I may or may not have had a rather heated ‘discussion’ with my co-habitator about this. >-<’

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First of all, it depends on what you mean by ‘out of site’. Do you mean it should be trimmed on a regular basis? Or that when it IS trimmed, it needs to be cleaned ASAP. Both of these, frankly, I think are necessary. Nose hair is not pretty. My dearly beloved father suffers from this affliction, and now uses a handy little tool to trim it all up nicely. But nose hair should ALSO not be left scattered around the counter. Clean up your discarded hair, people. Otherwise witches will steal it and control you. Or something. I’m pretty sure that’s how science works.

Now, perhaps this is caving to patriarchal standards that body hair is ‘disgusting’, but frankly I think if I’m expected to shave my legs then men can trim their nose hair. Or ladies with lots of nose hair? I’ve mostly seen it on older gentleman, so perhaps there is some fascinating biological reason that men grow more aggressive nose hair as they age? Who knows.

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And nose hair IS aggressive.

Also, it’s nose hair. Doesn’t it bother you when it’s all sticking out and stuff? Do you ever ponder the ramifications of all that snot and gunk and stuff just sort of hanging out in there, marinating? Because I do, and it is unpleasant.

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Please, for the love of all that is good in this world, keep nose hair out of sight.

wiresandwaves asked:

A really super long question with a lot of backstory that can be found here! To summarize - her brother is getting married to his long-term partner in July (yay!), and wires bf proposed a couple weeks ago and she accepted (more yay!), they told parents, and in the time honored tradition of our modern era, informed Facebook via an adorable picture. So far so yay, right? Wrong. Future SIL is pissed and offended that wires is ‘stealing her thunder.’ Advice below.

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Ohhhhh boy. The very short answer here is “Your future SIL is maybe a little bit crazy.” But yeah, there’s a lot that goes into this.

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Because they’ve waited so long for what I* think are silly reasons, I kind of get it. It’s a huge deal. And hell, she could be thinking “Wait, she’s already BEEN married. It’s MY turn.” Which, honestly, is childish but I get it. What she’s probably not thinking is that you’ve got all the baggage and drama that goes with having been married before. You’ve been there, and you’ve had it not work out, and no matter how amicable and easy a divorce is, it’s still a divorce and it still sucks. Or if like, you’re escaping your abuser and are finally free and can move to like, Capri or something and be fabulous. Divorce still sucks.

This is also your brothers problem to deal with, I think. You got engaged two months before her wedding because it was the right time for you and your partner - not out a malicious desire to steal her spotlight. She should not at all, now or ever, factor into YOUR life decisions. That’s ridiculous. If you *had* waited (because you somehow thought immediately of her when you were accepting a proposal from the man you love, which would honestly be really fucking weird), you know what the response from literally everyone would be? “Oh, you got engaged! Did it just happen? Tell me everything!” and you would have to say “Yes! It happened MONTHS ago but I didn’t want to spoil my brother’s wife’s moment!” “....... blank stares of confusion.” “I didn’t want to upset her, you see, since it happened so close to the wedding!” “Uh... you said it happened back in May? It’s... July.” “Yes! That’s so very close!” “......”

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What I’m trying to say is that you would look like the batshit insane one in that scenario.

Because it’s fucking weird.

Would you hold off on celebrating your birthday if her birthday was close? Maybe not *as* momentous an occasion, but still a thing to celebrate, and it would be really fucking weird to do that. This issue is a non-issue.

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My advice: explain to your brother that it wasn’t about her, it wasn’t meant to offend, it was just the right time for you and your partner, and he proposed, and you said yes, voila done how romantic and wonderful. Congratulate your sister in law and compliment her choice in linen colors, or something.

Maybe just don’t like, flash your ring in everyone’s face and yell “MY WEDDING WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!” at the reception? Just a thought? I figure that you’re socially adept enough to know not to do that, but I like to cover all bases.

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Really, I honestly don’t think you have anything to apologize for. Unless you put a banner on your photo that said “look at me stealing SILs thunder! I’m so much better than her! look! I’m doing this just to upstage her!” you’re in the clear and she’s just being a bit crazy. Which is fine! It is my understanding that brides frequently turn a bit crazy before their wedding, because of Societal and Familial pressures and what not, even if they’re normally perfectly rational humans normally. If that is the case, and she’s just feeling under massive strain and stress, offer to help out, or bake her cookies, or bring over some frozen casseroles.

*full disclosure: that’s just my opinion, and it’s pretty hypocritical of me to even HAVE this opinion since I’m fully privileged enough to have as ridiculously froofy a wedding as I want, but I still fundamentally believe that a marriage is a marriage and a wedding is a really cool party you throw to celebrate your marriage. if you can’t afford the wedding you want now? marry the person you love - at a courthouse, in the park, whatever! - and then at like, your ten year anniversary when you CAN afford the big party, do it again! renew those vows! throw a massive shindig! go for it! I just think it’s supremely silly to not marry the person you want to marry - assuming you want to get married - simply because you can’t *yet* afford the big to-do. But I digressed.)

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NOW ASK US MORE QUESTIONS.

And don’t ever disagree with us because you will get a facefull of raptor queef if you do that and that can’t be pleasant for you.

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#weareallknowing

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