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I don't get to see my father very often. Once a year, usually. This year I went both at Christmas and during summer vacation and his health seems to have declined a lot in that short time period. He is on dialysis 3 x a week for kidney failure, and has COPD that seems to be the bigger issue. He has balance issues and should probably use a walker, but he only just started using a cane recently. He seemed really frail, and I know it's frustrating for him - he was always really active and outdoorsy, and now he is exhausted just from a couple of steps.

He's really my only family. I love him like crazy, and I've never really been able to accept that he's mortal. This trip really punched me in the gut. It's making me think that he might not be around too much longer. I've been depressed and sobbing for days now. Which feels kind of wrong; he's still here. It was still great to see him, don't get me wrong. He's funny, opinionated, smart, and he's still my Dad. Being in his house has always meant that all is right with the world.

I've also got tons of stuff to do. I feel behind in everything, but all I want to do is cry, sleep, or eat.


Trying to get an appointment with my therapist for this week or next week. In the meantime, if you have any kind thoughts, I could really use them.

Illustration for article titled Age, decline, mortality, and worry.

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