As someone who has been in more than her fair share of airports lately, I've spent a lot of time playing sudoku, eating overpriced food, devising better boarding systems, and pondering some Very Important Questions. These questions include, but are not limited to: Would it be weird to wear slippers on the plane? Do I have short privilege when I'm on an airplane? Are you really in such a hurry that you need to unbuckle your seatbelt right this second, I mean actually? And of course: Who the fuck has sex in an airport bathroom?
Thanks to Larry Craig, I considered this question at great length in middle school. (Although with less profanity, because I was an unusually proper 14-year-old.) Public bathrooms are, as everyone knows, nasty things, and airport bathrooms—which see a large number of disheveled travelers every day—are especially awful. But this, as I have recently realized, is not necessarily true.
Thus, the following are ratings of assorted airport bathrooms I have know, based on their suitability for fucking in. All experiences are based on women's restrooms, because misandry. Note that a perfect score (5/5) means that, provided that I had a willing and especially sexy partner and we were so desperate that it couldn't wait until we reached our destination, I would indeed have sex in this restroom.*
Zurich Airport, Zurich
Nearly-full-length stalls provide almost complete privacy in addition to being clean and politically neutral. Bathroom doors open smoothly and automatically like the ones in Star Trek. Located in what is by far the swankiest airport I've ever seen—it was even the official off-site location for Mercedes-Benz Fashion Days. (The airport, not the bathroom.)
Rating: 4 out of 5 complimentary Swiss Air chocolates. Loses a point because folks can see your feet, but only barely.
Reagan National Airport, Washington DC
I typically fly through Terminal A (or "Reagan Classic," as I prefer to call it), where the bathrooms are rather dark and cramped and there always seems to be a line. Also, the food options in this terminal suck, so hopefully you don't get the post-sex munchies. I do seem to recall that the other terminals are slightly nicer, though.
Rating: 2 out of 5 souvenir magnets. There's something to be said for fucking in a building named after Ronald Reagan, but not much.
Ataturk Airport, Istanbul
Reasonably private but not particularly clean, and the first two stalls I went into didn't have a toilet that actually worked. What if you need to pee after you're done?
Rating: 1 out of 5 overpriced duty-free condoms. Get your Turkish Delight elsewhere.
Denver International Airport, Denver
Average American bathroom, with enough of a gap below the door that any shenanigans would be tricky to hide. However, these restrooms also double as tornado shelters, which I'm pretty sure is code for "you could totally have sex in here if the world was ending."
Rating: 2 out of 5 weird plastic knives that you can't stab anyone with. When the apocalypse comes, at least we'll still have Denver.
Barcelona - El Prat Airport, Barcelona
As in Zurich, the stalls are nearly fully-enclosed, though cleanliness and style seem to vary based on terminal. In addition, Barcelona's bathrooms smell like cake. This is pleasantly intriguing upon first whiff, but it shortly becomes downright nauseating. I doubt that even the staunchest Team Cake supporter among us would be able to stand it long enough to finish the deed.
Rating: 1 out of 5 crappy airplane meal desserts. If you're really quick, this might be bumped up to a 2.
Portland International Airport, Portland (Oregon)
Clean. Though it's fairly average, this one gets points for being the airport I go home through. Depending on where in the airport you are, a hippie-looking fella with a funky cello will play you some music to help set the mood.
Rating: 3 out of 5 obligatory Portlandia references. For the hipster exhibitionist in all of us.
Charles De Gaulle Airport, Paris
Fully-enclosed stalls provide privacy and are surprisingly roomy. Clean, with a colorful and modern aesthetic and lots of shiny glass. In the words of my friend Becky: "Those bathrooms were like spaceships, man." One even has a whimsical carousel painted on the wall.
Rating: 5 out of 5 Skymall catalogues. The gold standard for airport bathrooms (for the purposes of either peeing or fucking.)
There you have it, folks. What bathrooms would you fuck or not fuck in? Also, how uncomfortable would it be to put a penis in a Dyson Airblade hand dryer? Certain penis-less parties are curious.
*This should not be taken to imply that I have indeed had airport bathroom sex. What do you think this is, XOJane?