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All the Colors of the Wind. Or- Adulthood is Hard

Ugh. Or Ooh. I don’t quite know yet. I’ve now been looking at color palettes on pinterest for the last two days. This is why I limit my color choosing to yarn craft and I don’t ever decorate. I love color, and the way colors work together and all of that but I cannot choose. I waffle and waiver and dither and blither and choose and then second guess myself and go for something completely different. There is a reason I have a house that looks like it was decorated by color blind gnomes- I just buy bits of whatever happens to catch my eye at the time and hope it works somewhere. Sometimes I feel like this inability to choose something as simple as a color scheme for a scarf is a problem- adults make decisions, and they stick to them! I am obviously not a real adult because I can’t make these simple choices. It feels like my obsessing over colors is a synecdoche for my obsessing over the things I have done wrong in adulthood. Failed marriage... ooh, no. Let’s not think about why I married an abuser, let’s plan a crochet blanket in pink tones, or blue tones, or maybe greens, look at the colors! Maybe I should have gone into teaching like my parents wanted... uuuuh, that sounds like a hard look at life. Let’s pick out a natural color scheme for a sweater I will probably never make. It’s a dodge. BoyHeathen asks why I seem tense or down and rather than talk about the fact that I’m afraid I am a giant disappointment to him and my parents, I make him look at paint swatches and talk about the accent wall in the kitchen(that I will never actually paint because it would require pulling the trigger on a color) I’ve talked before- stridently- about acrylic yarn and sometimes I feel like I only use it because after I buy it and inevitably make myself feel badly about the color choices I can rationalize it by reminding myself I only spent X dollars on it and not so much more; I can get it right next time. Next time I will look at more swatches, next time I will choose better, next time I will BE better. I have a friend that has diagnosed OCD, and I don’t want to be a horrible Facebook hyperbolist who throws around an actual disorder when I am just vaguely neurotic about something, but I wonder- when does something like this cross into clinical territory? When does a coping strategy become a problem? Also, will you look at these palettes and help me pick one out?


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