I just need to set down my load here for a moment. It's too heavy for me to carry on my own.
I've been trying to work through this shit with as much grace as I can muster, but the thing that finally broke me was a card in the mail. A cheerful robin's egg blue envelope that I interpreted as some form of Easter greeting lovingly sent to me, the family's trademark heathen. But it wasn't. It was a card about friendship, a "hope we're friends forever" sort of card filled with neon colors and glitter. Just my style, and oddly enough, in my own handwriting.
That took me a moment to understand, as I feel sure I would have remembered writing and sending a card to myself. But luckily there was another note on the back. It was my friends, these ones in particular, sending back my friendship. Rejecting it. They don't want it anymore. They haven't actually spoken to me since I approached them about that whole "brb downward spiral" issue. I see them, but it's like I'm a ghost that their eyes just skip right over. And like a ghost, neither seen nor heard, is how I feel inside anyway.
So, we-no-longer-want-your-cards-that-you've-sent-over-the-years gimmick that was clearly designed to hurt me, congrats! Highly successful. Something about a straw and a camel's back? I've been crying for hours. Apparently my eyes were so swollen that a neighbor in the hallway asked if I was allergic to my own cats.
Look, tomorrow I'll try to pick up the load again. There's alot of deep and hidden pain there, emotional struggle, legal struggle, financial struggle but I have a strong sense of humor and a bottle of wine so most days I skim by. But for now the burden is too strong for me to shoulder, so I'm just going to leave it here with you guys. Thanks.