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An Ode to the Dumbest Potheads Ever

Hey there, group of potheads who like to smoke weed outside our window at least once a day. There's a few things I think we should discuss.

First, I don't know much about smoking weed, but I know enough to know that you're doing it wrong. It's...you're not supposed to sound like tuberculosis victims. Sure, coughing once or twice makes sense, but that's not right if you have regular coughing fits so fierce that multiple of you have actually thrown up from them before, interspersed with your cough-addled attempts to say "This *cough* is good *hack almost to death* shit *episode that sounds like a walking advertisement for the Pertussis vaccine*." None of that's an exaggeration — you do that once per day, and it's HORRIFYINGLY gross. I really, really hope you heard me shout "YOU GOT THE CONSUMPTION, SONNY!" out my window in an old-timey prospector voice just now. Look, I know you can't help the fact that you are all white people, but can that shit, because you're making the rest of us look bad — and that's not easy to do considering how bad we already look.

Second, the smell. You know, this probably factors into the first thing, because I don't think you're actually smoking weed. I think someone is selling you dried up chunks of skunk jerky and you're not smart enough to know the difference. Regardless, stop fucking smoking right under our window. Seriously, that's not cool.


Third, why are you doing this in a fairly visible little cul-de-sac behind the building? There have to be better places for you to do it — like, say, YOUR APARTMENT. I'm really struggling to figure out why you've decided that the space just below our bathroom window is the ideal locale in which to regurgitate at least one lung, but, just...no. Plz to stahp.

I hope that's cleared some shit up for you, and I'm glad we had this opportunity to converse. Well, I'm glad I had this opportunity to converse, while you had the opportunity to stare blankly ahead like you're waiting for your next thought to arrive (I realize from seeing you out there that this is by way of being your ground state of being).


The Guy Who's Going to Call the Cops on You if He Has to Listen to You Cough-Vomit One More Fucking Time

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