I’m doing a little better emotionally today than I was yesterday, but I’m still pretty physically ill.
I did text Boyfriend briefly this afternoon to check in on him. He said he wasn’t feeling very good at all still and was just staying in bed today to try to recuperate. I asked him if he needed anything and he said no, that he was just going to take it easy today. That’s just as well because I don’t think I could make the 40 minute drive to his place right now
A friend of mine called me up this morning and invited me out for tea at a place a few blocks from my apartment. She’s a sweet kid, 19 or 20 years old so I look at her like a younger sister or person I’m mentoring in a way. I wasn’t running a fever, so I felt okay about getting out for a little bit, but once we were up and walking around a little after finishing our drinks I started to feel shaky and gross again and went home. At any rate, it was nice to get out and be around another human being for awhile since I’ve been quarantined at home for 48+ hours. It also helped me to listen to/discuss someone else’s life/struggles so that I could stay out of my own head for a minute.
I’m not coughing as much as I was, but I’ve got all kinds of gross drainage-y stuff still and my head is still pretty congested. I can’t hear all that well, and my ears feel like they need to be popped like I’m coming down in an airplane, but I can’t get the pressure to equalize for very long. I have that hydrocodone cough syrup to take, then the doctor put me on a round of steroids to knock down the swelling in my head and chest, and I’m using two different inhalers as well. My appetite is out of whack but I have some minestrone soup I made to eat on for the next few days.
My old therapist still hasn’t returned my text from the other night, but the other therapist (the one I haven’t seen before) sent me a homework assignment to complete before our first session. I will probably have to wait a few weeks before I can see her, as it’s $125/hr and I’m not currently working at this exact moment- I start my job again on June 9th.
Another option is for me to do a refresher course on negative self-talk at the emotional intelligence course that Boyfriend and I met at and volunteer for on a regular basis. The course is 3 days long over next weekend, the first weekend in June. I’ve done refreshers like this before and they’ve really helped me tremendously (my old therapist who I actually met through the program says that “coming to a weekly therapy session is like taking a dose of a long term antibiotic, while doing [this course] is like getting a shot of penicillin.” which from my experience is a pretty accurate statement.) Again though, it’s about the cost. It’s $250, and while I’ve got some people offering to help me pay for it by doing cleaning/household work/odd jobs for them in exchange for donations, I feel weird about it because I feel like I ought to pay Boyfriend back for the gas, food, and medication he got me while we were on the trip first. I kept offering to pay for things or split the bill, but he’d tell me not to worry about it and that I’d get him back later, and then I ended up having to spend that extra vacation money on my doctor’s visits and medication when I got back in town. Ugh. :/ I just feel so weird/bad about it.
So I don’t really know what to do from here. Being broke sucks when you have unexpected expenses like healthcare (thank you Texas for not expanding medicaid coverage under obamacare/sarcasm). I budgeted carefully for that colorado trip and thought I was able to do it since we weren’t paying for a hotel and we drove up there.
I am more calm than I’ve been over the past couple of days but I feel like I need a strategy for how I’m going to deal with these crippling fears that keep popping up. I keep reaching out to friends to talk about it some and that’s helping, but I have this burning feeling in my gut that says I need to do more substantial work on these abandonment issues if I want to have real peace in my relationships and a shot at having something good with Boyfriend.
Thanks to everyone that commented on my post from last night. I am really grateful for you, GT.