So I had to go to the DMV at insane early this morning and get my license renewed. I tried to prepare myself but the ugliest picture of me in the entire world was affixed to a piece of plastic I have to keep in my wallet for the next four years. [body issues rant inside - sorry]
It's so terrible. I look like a pile of misshapen flesh with tiny, piggy eyes stuck haphazardly in it. I felt every microscopic shred of self-esteem I had tried to claw back from the world wither and die.
I don't know why this whole event set me off, but I wanted to just crawl in a hole and die. I have major problems with my looks and issues with my body that I keep very, very much under wraps. I don't let anyone know how viciously I hate myself and every inch of flesh on my body. I laugh it off when a dress doesn't fit even though I want to throw myself off the nearest cliff.
I went with my father to the DMV because, of course, I'm a failure at everything and I still live at home in my late twenties even though I have a pretty good job. He was particularly unfeeling about it when he saw how upset I was and told me if I didn't like myself, then I should just "change" and "fix" myself. Not helpful. Not "you're my daughter, I think you look fine", no it's like he said "yeah, you're right, you are ugly and fat. You should do something about that". So I flipped out on him once I got home, to his amusement (HE WAS LAUGHING) and my mother's vague concern ("what's wrong? Have a cup of tea. Now you're okay?"). So now I'm hiding in my room because that's what I do. I'm a hermit. I don't go out except to go to work. I don't have friends that aren't beloved 1s and 0s on the internet. I'm so painfully alone. And I'm going to die alone.
I am ugly. I know I am. I FEEL ugly. I avoid mirrors and I never put on makeup because why bother? I'm chubby, hell, I'm overweight and I just can not bring myself to feel anything more than vague, complacent disgust with myself. I'll take thirty pictures of myself to get one at a vaguely Myspace angle that I feel I could put on Twitter. I simply can not stand myself. I just don't bother trying. Why should I put any effort into myself? I'm not pretty, I'm worthless. Why should I waste the money? No one will look at me. No one notices if I get a new skirt or a new pair of glasses. I'm invisible.
I don't have a great personality. I'm not clever or smart enough to let those things override how ugly I am. I have this thick veneer of edgy sarcasm and pop culture humor, but below that is self-hatred and crippling insecurity and starved of attention. I like to pretend I'm funny or that I'm smart, that I'm creative and interesting, but I'm just lying to myself.
I've always lived in the shadow of my younger sister, who is absolutely beautiful and thin and lovely and genuinely funny and whip-smart. I'm a misshapen, idiot blob compared to her. My parents say I have a "good heart" but that doesn't make up for not having a good face like my sister. And they like her better. No matter how much I contribute to the family, they're always so excited to hear from her (she lives in NYC) and they forgive her for all her flaws. They complain to me how much she annoys them and how selfish she is, but when she comes home to visit they fall all over themselves to make her happy, to buy her things, lend her money. And here I am in the background, just a pathetic mess of nothingness.
Usually I keep this all inside but, again, I don't know why today set me off. I guess it was just another little indignity piled onto top of all the others and it was the last straw. I had to get all this bile out of me. I didn't mean to use you as my personal journal or anything. So now I'm gonna go back to being my usual self and trample all this shit down inside. I'm going to go back to trying to not focus on any of this stuff and trying to be more awesome. And in about ten minutes, I am going to feel horrified I posted this on the internet...