I actually feel bad writing this when there is so much bullshit going on in the world, but my best friend has so much shit going on I can’t really vent to her, so here it is.

I feel myself spiraling again. Since I had my kid (approx 18 months ago) my back has been bothering me, my hair is still falling out, and I’m always tired. I mentioned it to the doctor and was told yeah, you just had a kid, you have a disability, it happens. Ok.

I finally went back 3 months ago bc dude, I’ve lost 2/3 of my hair (given I had a shit ton of hair- but still) and I couldn’t turn to the left. Finally a bunch of blood work and x rays. So they think I have a thyroid problem, but the tests are inconclusive, so we are running more to put a pin on that. Fine. But my spine guys. I have a degenerative spine problem usually seen in people over 65. Osteoblasts, curvature, and my left scapula is sinking in behind my spine, and refuses to build muscle even though I lift. My neck is curved the wrong way, and is in perpetual spasm. It pisses me off that I was dismissed so quickly the first time, when we could’ve been working on this. They don’t know the cause, except probably my epilepsy with a dose of pregnancy. Now I have to do a bunch of physical therapy- and I have a toddler at home and don’t drive, and finances are tight, so finding a sitter, getting there, and affording the copay is a clusterfuck (I’ll figure it out- I always do- but hell).

And all of this just depresses me. I’m trying all of my self care techniques, but my usual self care is working out and that’s rough bc it hurts. I’m trying to find modifications, but that fact that I HAVE to modify depresses me. And I need some alone time with my husband but babysitters are scarce, and now I’m using them for PT, so that’s a no go. And I still have some weight to lose to be at a weight I am comfortable with (and fit into my old clothes, so you know I have stuff to wear without spending even more $ I don’t really have), and this crap isn’t really helping. I was doing really well (I gained an obscene amount due to pregnancy safe medication- it’s taking forever to lose- almost there). My seizures are also coming more frequently right now, probably bc of stress, and lack of sleep bc I can’t find a comfortable sleeping position , and my daughter is teething and my husband tries but he is literally one of those people who would sleep through a house fire bc he can sleep through anything and I’m the worlds lightest sleeper (he’s really good at picking up the slack elsewhere though). I missed a dear friend’s bachelorette party this weekend, so I’m fomo-ing hardcore too.

TLDR:I’m in pain, I’m sad, I’m angry, I kind of hate doctors, and I need a break.

Thanks for letting me vent GT.