Got hella depressed last night and think I pinpointed the causes. Mostly to cope with stress, and maladaptive ways to boot. Please, no judgment, just advice and encouragement, and experiences with these problems.

My first problem: alcohol and weight gain (more on the latter in the second paragraph). I don't usually go on drinking binges, but last week I went on one. I am so ashamed. I have a lot of stress to deal with (cause later), and drinking is one of my maladaptive ways I deal with it. My manipulative brain was all like "you have one week of summer, so let's party!". Yeah, shouldn't have listened, because of the consequences. I was fine with my recent party, but not fine with my behavior last week. Today I'm throwing out all of my booze, because I know I'll just drink it. Please, don't judge. The only addiction I've ever had was pills, so this seems to be one of those slopes back into another addiction. I'm so ashamed that I don't want to tell anyone, including my therapist. I trust her, but I just feel like a failure. I want this to stop before summer school. I just can't afford to be depressed on a depressant during a time where I have to take a difficult class.

Second, the weight gain. First, how it relates to alcohol: alcohol has a lot of calories. Alcohol is expensive (again, more on that later). And now onto clothes. I went to American Apparel yesterday-bad idea because I know the sizes run small. A big blow to my self esteem when I had to get a medium. But maybe that was just American Apparel being a dick store. I weighed only 100 lbs. a month ago, which was how much I weighed in high school (college made me gain weight, and I went up big time). I just felt so down. I still fit into my new clothes, but I can't stand that my stomach is poking out again.

Third, money. I have enough to last me the summer, but if I don't stop the compulsive shopping I'll be shit out of luck. I don't want to ask for more, because I'm trying to save. I've never been good at stopping my shopping problem, because it honestly makes me feel like I care about myself, when other people don't. I was always made to wear clothes that didn't fit my body/age range as a kid, so I feel like I have control over my life when I get new clothes. I really do need new clothes, but not things like shoes and accessories. It all adds up, but my brain, again, manipulates me into spending money. I try to resist, but the 'high' I get makes me feel good. Like I have some control and can actually look nice (they do all fit, but the weight gain makes me feel like I am dangerously close to having to get bigger clothes). So, it's the snake that eats its own tail.

Fourth, the upcoming statistics class. I got everything registered last night, but I can't help but feel like I made mistakes. I think I even have homework for the first week (class starts Tuesday), and that the pace will be faster than I can think (learning disabilities, ain't nobody got time for that-thankfully I'm with the disabilities center at my school, for the learning thing, plus mental health problems). Plus, I'm trying to get my tutor to meet with me twice a week, and I haven't heard back. I'm going to look at my textbook and powerpoints again today, but it all gets jumbled up in my brain. It's like a foreign language to me. And I have no luck with foreign languages.


So, with all these things, I have no one to blame but myself. I did these things, I made these bad decisions, and I didn't think anything of them. I lied to myself, which I used to do frequently. I had no one to reach out to last night. I just got hit with all of it. I just feel like a failure, like I let myself down. I know that everyone has their slip-ups, that maladaptive behaviors are universal, and that I'm not perfect. I just cried last night. I finally admitted to myself all of these things, and that was just the lowest I felt. I feel like I'd rather be anonymous on the internet on a safe forum before I can admit it to anyone else. I was oblivious and not thinking right, until last night when I saw all the errors and mistakes I made.

Sorry if this post is repetitive, full of mistakes, long, and incoherent. I'm still tired but I needed to get this off my chest. It feels good to type all of this out. Thanks for listening.