Hey, y'all. Why is it so hard to talk about difficult things with people you're close to in real life? Maybe the friends in my computer can help me process this a little and get out of my head.
(Totally unrelated picture. I just had to amuse myself.)
From the beginning. Mr.BT and I are a little over a month away from our 10th wedding anniversary. We were together two and a half years before we got married, and I've known him since I was 16. I'll be 33 in a couple weeks. We have a 9 year old, and our other kiddo will turn 4 on our anniversary. We moved to Texas from Alaska a little over two years ago, and we went from both of us working and sharing kid/house tasks to him supporting us financially and me dealing with pretty much everything else. That's made us both resentful and it sucks. I don't think our relationship is especially unique, maybe in that we've never really been the types to do couple-y things, but I've thought it worked for us. Usual ups and downs, big blow outs from time to time, but mostly it seems like what happens in long term relationships.
About a month ago, we got in a fight. He had been drinking (he works nights, so it was late morning), and went from overly talkative and annoying to trying to play with the kids, ended up slipping, falling and bonking his arm, got grumpy, got mad, took it out on his keyboard and just acted like an ass. I told him that I think he's depressed, has a drinking problem, and needs to get his shit together. I said I want to support him and help him get better, but I want the person I'm helping to be an adult. We've barely talked since then. Like I said up there, he works nights, so it's not horrible awkward silence all the time, but it's like having a bad roommate who shares your bed. About a week after the fight, he said that he knows we need to have a talk, and he loves me. We never had a talk, so last night I sent him an email saying that maybe we should write, address what we have on our minds, that sort of thing. Writing has been a good way for us to communicate, no interruptions, time to process and respond without pressure. So this is what I got this morning.
I am writing this because it seems pretty clear that our talk isn't going to happen. So I've decided to write this to get all my thoughts down.
I want you to know that I have been writing this email for the better part of the past two weeks. Also, I want you to know that I haven't come to this decision rashly. I have been thinking about this for a while.
I think we should get a divorce.
I have been unhappy for a while now. Not just since we have moved to TX but for a long time. As I think has been apparent in recent weeks. I find things to distract myself, medicate myself, and occupy myself so I don't think about it too much. I have now gotten to a point where I can no longer trick myself into being happy.
When I think back on us, I think we started off okay. I don't ever think we were ever great together. We got along and had fun but the more I think about the early days, the more I think we should have left it at just that. I do care about you but I'm not sure I have ever or will ever possess the feelings you deserve from your spouse.
I keep feeling like this is a life I'm not meant to live, like I'm supposed to be somewhere else. It feels like I'm living my life by someone else's script. This life was meant for them and I'm trying to fill a role that wasn't meant for me. And as a result, every time I walk in the door, I feel nothing but contempt. Contempt, anger, frustration.
I keep doing what is expected and hoping happiness finds me along the way. Well, it hasn't. But I know that you deserve to be.
I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore.
If you want to talk, I will talk. But I want you to know a couple of things first. I don't think I will be able to explain myself any better than I have here. I won't change my mind, if I concede and stay, I will only prolong this bad situation for both of us.
I'm not kicking anyone out or walking out the door. I will work with you on any terms you want to set in the divorce but I don't want you to come back.
Start again in Alaska and be happy. I will send you anything you need, just email me and I will get it to you as quickly as I can.
Please don't come back.
That's the entire thing. I feel weird, because I'm not shocked or feeling anything strongly. I'm not numb either. I'm a little sad, and a little frustrated and mad, but mostly tired. On the one hand, okay, I could move on and be okay, I know I have a great support system of family and friends who would be there if I needed them. On the other hand, fuck you thinking you can just walk away like that. If this happens, my options are to stay here and live in poverty and see my kids for two hours a day or go back to Alaska. If I go back to Alaska, it won't be to "start again"- I'll be going back to exactly where I was before we left, but I'll probably end up living with one of my parents with two kids and no support from him. No, you don't get to just go back to a point where it was like we never happened.
He's depressed, I know. He also grew up on movies and I think has a skewed sense of what reality actually looks like. I don't think most people are "happy" to be doing mundane or crap jobs to pay bills. Most people don't get epic lives. [I recently spoke to a friend I've known almost as long, who wanted for himself, in five years, to be living in NYC and be a relatively well known artist. Yeah, you and everybody else, buddy. Keep dreaming.] Am I just cynical for feeling this way? You don't always get to chase your dreams. You made choices, and you have to live with that. If he thought there was something he could be doing to make his current life better, even without me, I could get behind that. But it's bullshit to think you can start over after we've brought two other people into this world. His dad bailed when he was 8 and he had so much resentment over it. How is it okay to knowingly do that to someone?
All those words make it sound like I'm feeling intensely, but what it feels like is standing in a corner giving side eye to someone acting like delusional in a public place. Like the self-important guy who throws a fit at Starbucks when his twenty word coffee order isn't perfect. Mostly, the thought of dealing with all of this makes me want to go take a nap. I'm so tired already, why do I have to deal with this?
That was much longer than I anticipated. Any thoughts?