My thoughts aren't coming together very well and no doubt I will feel strange posting this either because of semi-recent attacks on GT (squalor forever!) and from within GT or because my brain says this is trivial bullshit that nobody wants to hear about because nobody really gives a shit.
This is the paragraph that people who scan the main GT page for posts they like or from authors they like won't read. Because they won't click or get past the title and first paragraph. "Oh, depression. Yeah, fine. Next."
Depression started a few weeks ago (extreme lack of energy and blah-brain). That coincided with the Lena Dunham bounty bullshit and the attacks on GT. I somehow felt this kinda personally. Again, the depression was already there and it made me feel the attacks deeper. Just confirming anxieties that were already there. A friend once said that Hannah (on Girls) reminded her of me which really irritated me once I saw the show. Since then, whenever I watch the show (barely) I get down. I'm bizarre, priviledged, feel self-important, and now a Jezebel and Gawker commenter. Great.
I also think I have ADHD or at least seriously want to get evaluated. The descriptions some women who were diagnosed later in their lives sounds very similar to my own. But hell, maybe I don't. Maybe the problems that are still here are due to me being fucked up and lazy and entitled and selfish.
Maybe I think that ADHD will be another possible "magic pill" that will make life easier.
I can't get evaluated at least not easily (I think a comma should've been in there but I've been insecure with punctuation in the past few weeks so I've been omitting it at times).
Here is where you will lose interest if you have made it past the initial mess.
Husband still works in Wisconsin. This started in July. I'm being held hostage by four cats and a dog here in Chicago trying to simultaneously hold things together and propel something forward in my life. A life that I can't seem to get started. Ever. He thinks he'll get a transfer and hear something about it this month or next. I have no confidence in anything other than the fact that life has to continue to go on. There is NO long-term planning right now because I don't even know what's going to for-sure happen next month.
My doctor is in WI and I don't have the energy or patience to find out of network help here. Yes, this is probably the key. I will find this energy or patience and will do it and be fine.
I'm trying to put together a post connecting Phillip Seymour Hoffman's death to Chicago gang violence and addiction to oxycodone but nothing past a sentence or two gets out of my head.
I'm trying to write letters about my great uncle who died a few weeks back but nothing gets out of my head as a complete sentence. My brain has been broken since right around then.
Husband called this morning "just to call" and then asked if everything was okay between us. YES. OMG YES. THERE ARE A BILLION THINGS WRONG BUT OUR MARRIAGE IS FINE. I DON'T NEED YOU TO GET ALL INSECURE ON ME RIGHT NOW. I NEED TO HAVE SOME FUCKING TIME FOR ME TO BE THE DEPRESSED ONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE IT TOGETHER.
My cute dog is sitting behind me with adorable "feel sorry for me" eyes and I'm just irritated by him. The light flickering above me... I want to slam it with a broom handle if it does it again.
And I can't even finish this because he's starting to whine and it's making me cry and get angry. So I'm going to sit in the bathtub for a little while.