So I wrote my ex a six page handwritten letter this week and mailed it to his house. I’m starting to feel rather keyed up about it.
I know it was the right thing for me to do and I’m trying my best to just rest in that, but I was also gut level honest in what I wrote and super, SUPER vulnerable. I wrote that the way he treated me was 100% not okay yet that I knew it was motivated by fear and that I can forgive him. I told him I didn’t want to hold on to anger anymore because it dishonors what we had. I also told him I still loved him deeply. All in all, it was incredibly raw and honest.
I know I have no control over what happens now and I also told him I knew it was going to take him awhile to process it, and that I personally didn’t know what the next step was going to be. The last time we had any real contact was 7 weeks ago. He had texted me two or three days after we broke up and told me then that he had a lot he wanted to tell me about how badly he’d fucked this up when I was ready.
I feel pretty emotional right now. I know its going to take time and I can’t bank on getting a healthy mature response or even any response at all, but my heart is still feeling twisted up over the possibilities. I told myself when I sent this letter that I was doing it for me so I could get some inner release but I honestly do care about what his response is potentially going to be and I don’t like that.
I still love him and there’s still a part of me that’s hoping that there’s a chance for reconciliation. Maybe it’s naive or idealistic, but there it is. If we did start talking again I’m not sure I could totally do it under the intention of being just friends. I don’t know what I’ve potentially just opened myself up to.
But still, hooray for having the cajones to do it I guess? My cards are definitely on the table. :/