TW- anxiety, mental illness, sexual assault, death?

This is going to be kinda everywhere so please excuse the tangents...

I'm starting to feel very anxious right now. I am guessing it's because I probably do have a lot going on. I'm still trying to deal with my stepbrother's death and process that and grieve that and do what I have to do to get through his death but it's hard for me to full do whatever it is I need to do right now because I have 2 interviews this week with grad school and I just don't have time to break down and cry or whatever it is I would normally be doing right now.

On top of that, I realize I screwed myself in a way by continuing to see the ex-Hopeful. Not that he hasn't been great to be with, but I have known all along that he is leaving and it kind of doesn't seem to make a difference in my mind 'cause I keep going over to his place and we keep doing things that I didn't think I would do sexually. I'm not going to get into that part of it right now but things have happened between us (consensually) that I am not sure I was completely ready for. (I want to make it clear he didn't pressure me and always asked if it was ok, so this is just me dealing with doing things for the first time and not about him). At the same time, I don't know that I feel that badly about doing those things. I'm not sure if this is because I am comfortable with him and myself or what. I think he and I have realized we really like each other and it is a shitty situation when someone has to move and feelings were starting to happen.

I also told him about how I was assaulted as a child. I think this made him more inclined to always ask if it was ok for him to do something. I cried when he got too close to me in a way because in my mind for a split second I wasn't sure I could trust him to not rape me. Again, there wasn't a reason to think he would do that...

So there's that.

I have an interview Monday that I am driving to tomorrow with a friend who agreed to go with me the last minute. I think this is a good idea because I'm kind of emotionally fucked at the moment and could break down at any time and I could really use a friend. Although I should be focusing on the interview, considering I went into my first interview last Friday knowing that my stepbrother died just the day before, I think I will get through this one. If I can get through that interview knowing what I knew and having found out in a shitty way, I think I can get through the next two pretty well.


I just had to vent. Not sure if I really need advice or not I think I just need people to tell me it's gonna be ok. I haven't cried or done much of anything and I have been putting on a happy face because I just can't properly deal right now.