Hey everyone! So I am dealing with a situation that may seem silly but it has been wrecking my emotions and I can't put everything together to make sense of it. Perhaps there is no sense to be made of it.
So, two years ago I met this amazingly gorgeous man (let's call him Dave) while traveling in Italy. He was traveling from Israel and I was coming from the states and we met at a couchsurfing camping event. We hit it off and spent the better part of the night together. He was so intelligent, insightful, and we shared many of the same philosophies. I fell in love with him that night and when it was time to go, we embraced for what seemed like an eternity. He wrote to me the next day that he looked forward to meeting me in a different corner of the world. He was back to Israel and I was continuing my travels through Europe. We kept in contact a bit, but it fell off.
Fast forward to January and I was planning a trip to Nairobi, and while going through the Couchsurfing website, I saw that Dave was a host there! I immediately emailed him and he confirmed that he was living there. My heart dropped and he told me he had just changed his location the day before even though he had been living there for 4 months. I asked to stay with him and he said he may be traveling during that time, but he would try to arrange his plans so that we could meet again. He did and then I got so excited about my trip I let my imagination take me to far away places imagining the perfect love story that was about to play out in Nairobi.
When I get to Nairobi, the first few days were seemingly perfect. He was catering to my every need, made breakfast, lunch, and dinner daily. Took me around Nairobi, we watched movies, listened to music, and I was falling even harder for him. Plus, he looked DAMN GOOD! While he was at work one night, I sent him a message expressing my feelings, he replied that he really liked me as well and wanted me to come embrace him.
Next day, he made dinner, and we chatted about his experiences in Nairobi. I specifically asked him about the dynamic between Kenyan women and white men there. He expressed that he gets several "offers" when he goes out but he's not really interested in making deals and he goes to sleep on an angle lots of nights and even though his friends take advantage of the 'privileges' that come along with being white in Kenya, that's not his thing, blah blah blah. That night, we went out to a reggae club, and I found him very cozy with a woman, and thought it was weird, but I just kept on. We went back to his house and we shared a very intimate evening. It was passionate, sexy, sensual, and then I went down on him until he came, then he fell asleep leaving me hanging. He mentioned that it had been a while since he had had sex.
Next night, me and my friends went out to a night club and he asked where I was so he could meet me there. He came to the club with his male friend and then he retreated to a corner with another woman. I was with my friends having fun and didn't worry about it. Then at about 4am I told him I was going to head home and he said he would follow behind shortly, he was riding with his friend. So, I got back to the apartment, undressed and put on sexy lingerie and left a note on his door to come see me when he got in. But then an hour passed and I got antsy, then one more hour passed and I was annoyed. When he walked in at 6:30, I was happy he was back but a bit concerned. Then, I heard a woman's giggle! He brought a woman back with him! I was mortified. MORTIFIED!! I couldn't sleep at all.
The next afternoon, I was having breakfast at the table and he came out like everything was normal. He had no idea I knew the girl was there. I didn't mention it because I figured he would, but he didn't. I stayed at the table for about 30 minutes and he kept pacing back and forth and going back into his room. He was getting dressed and I thought he was going to leave with her. I went back into my room to use the bathroom and when I came out, she was gone and his attention was back fully on me. We talked later that night about it and he pretended that he was drunk and not really thinking clearly. He said that he was not that guy, and sometimes he gets lonely, and he doesn't want to disturb the connection that we've made because it's stronger than just physical and there's' a closeness we share...yada yada. I went to the beach for two days to relax, but I couldn't shake the feeling of rejection and sadness. I had created this image of who I thought he was and what I thought we could share, and everything was perfect until suddenly it just wasn't anymore. But then I became weak and allowed myself to run back to him for the remainder of the vacation, hold him, kiss him, and continue as if things were normal even though I felt bruised. It's been almost a week and I am still trying to put myself back together. This was a short fling, but I can't shake my feelings. I keep replaying the events and thinking 'What could I have done differently' 'What can I do now' 'Why would I feel this way over a man that I clearly do not know or understand' and it's haunting every minute of my thoughts. This is very long and wordy, but I just don't know how not to be sad about this. I still want him so badly, I miss him, and I think that says a lot more about me and my own problems because if someone else told me this story, I would think they were crazy for still thinking they were in love with such a person.