So a while ago I made an appointment with a doctor regarding my RA. I've been having struggles with my hands ever since I started using my supplemental cane. About 5 minutes into the appointment, he told me I will probably have to give up the bassoon. It has been something I have been discussing with my PC doctor for some time, but I didn't think it would be something I would have to face this year. I haven't been able to make it through a rehearsal in sometime without my hand locking up or swelling, but I have been trying to be optimistic.

I started the bassoon the end of my freshman year of high school. I agreed to playing it before I even knew what it looked or sounded like. It was right after my first knee surgery when the doctor told me I might not be able to play basketball again. I sucked when I first started, but by sophomore year I made state band. I wasn't great, but I put all the energy and time I used to put into basketball, into learning this awkward, weird sounding instrument.

I have continued to play throughout high school and then college. When my PTSD started, the practice room was one of the few places I could really calm down and focus on something. After I left school and moved back home, the bassoon was one of my only source of joy. I love pretty much everything about it, even making my own reeds and reading tenor clef.

But now I will have to give it up, just like basketball, because my body is falling apart. I am angry. I need a hobby, something to obsess on that takes my complete focus. Now I don't know what to do.