AKA Chi is a jealous bitch. Also this is a crazy long read.

So I work tech in my school's theatre dept, and I am in love with lights. Seriously. Lighting is all I want to do. I got into it a few years ago, when I ran the lights for a student club production, and the lighting design was so bad, and I said to myself, I could do better than that. So I set out to learn.

I've never designed. However, I have done literally everything else. I've run lights during shows, I've been master electrician for shows (basically in charge of hanging, focusing, and wiring all the lights up, as well as keeping the paperwork nice). I've talked with designers, I've taken design classes, and I want to actually design so badly. I've finally gotten my first chance with a small end-of-year production the student club is running, and I'm really determined that I'm going to kick ass and prove to myself and everyone else that I can make it as a light designer.

But I'm really frustrated that this is the first opportunity I've had, and that it's a small one to boot. See, students in the theatre dept don't actually design for dept shows, mostly because we don't have intensive enough design courses to ready people for that kind of work. So I've been trying to scrounge up things elsewhere. I've told the club for a year that I want to design lights, and I had to specifically ask to design this show. I've worked on dance concerts as well, but have never been asked to do anything for student-run dance things.

What really gets my goat is that another student in the department, who has no interest in lights, got asked to do the student dance concert this year. I don't understand why. I worked on the concert last year, was told that I and the rest of the crew did a great job, and I'm probably one of three students in the entire school with the most experience with lighting.

I just don't understand why I have to ask, and have to actually work for opportunities when other people who aren't as interested get handed them on a platter. I have experience, I really want to do this, and I know I can do a good job, so why don't people ask me? Then I start thinking about this, and I get grumpy, and tell myself I'm being a jealous bitch, and feel bad about myself on top of feeling really frustrated, which doesn't help.

Advertisement

And I'm also worried because I feel like my chances for future opportunities are going to hang on this one small show. I've got some ideas already, but I'm also collaborating with someone, and have pretty limited resources, which is going to make things a bit harder. Then I'm also worried because, what if I do do a kickass job, but it doesn't change anything?

ETA I know I come off as all the braggy here. Didn't really mean to, but it frustrates me that I have this experience but don't really get considered.

ETAA: Thanks for all the advice, everyone. I'm just really kind of down about the whole thing right now and sometimes it's really hard to pick myself and keep going. So thanks for advice and better ways to think about things. <3