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Asshole Bingo

People sure do love to say stupid shit, don't they? I generally have this character flaw that makes me inordinately cranky in the face of unsolicited advice, condescending assistance, and fake commiseration. It's a flaw I'm okay with having.

Instead of being driven to the brink of my sanity by these people, now I play a little game with myself that I call Asshole Bingo. If the person or conversation produces three of these, I get a prize, like laughing at the person or something.


Here are a few:

-OH MY GOD you look so tired. Are you tired? You must be tired.
-Aren't you going to drop him out of that thing? (i.e. my baby wrap)
-What's that thing on his face? (Applet has a little birthmark)
-This too shall pass!
-Wait until _____
-Welcome to _____
-Don't worry + non sequitur

Most of these you could say the person is well-meaning. "This too shall pass", yes, intended in the kindest possible way. And yet something about packaging up the concept of "it gets better" in a smug, pat phrase gets my back up. First, the whole thing assumes that what you're saying is A Problem rather than just an anecdote or passing frustration. Second, bugger off.


The don't worry one is weird, because don't worry could be so nice! But you know those people who say it as an excuse to talk about themselves?

For example:

Gowron: Hmmm. I sure could use some blood wine right now.

Martok: Don't worry, I ate two targs yesterday!

Well, okay then Martok, we all wanted to talk about you.

The "wait until" thing is used more of a throwaway sentence but it's still so smug. It's like, I've been there, I'm so world-weary and wise, and I know how it will go for you. Welcome to? I'm fucking HERE, this is why we're having this conversation. And, it's not even like there isn't a way to say these things that isn't smug. "It'll get better!" "Oh yes I found this time hard as well!" "I also ate a lot yesterday!"


So when I hit asshole bingo I have a little giggle. The other person has no idea what's going on and it alleviates my irritation. Any clueless lines to add to the asshole bingo list?

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