Sigh. Tonight was meh.
I feel like this is so dumb, but for the past few weeks I have been going back and forth on whether or not I have feelings for a friend of mine. The thing I think I have realized is that I want really really badly to like him in a romantic/sexual way, because it would make good sense on paper. We have known each other for 5 years. He is smart, kind, educated, and driven. We understand each other well. We are in similar career paths.
But, I can't imagine having sex with him or kissing him. At all. The vibe is way too brotherly. It finally just hit me tonight while I was at dinner with him. My mind can't go there. We have had ample opportunities for romance to spark up and nothing has happened yet. We were alone together in EUROPE, for chrissakes, in a huge condo in the beautiful Germany countryside, just the two of us and NOTHING happened. We were tipsy on white wine into the wee hours of the morning alone at his house last weekend and no part of me was yearning for him to make a move or touch my hand or anything.
Ugh. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to have a good friend like him, and I genuinely believe he cares for me and we have not crossed any boundaries or anything like that emotionally. On some level though I'm just going "what the fuck, brain/genitals, why can't this be a thing?" But I know that's not the way attraction works. I feel like I'd still be settling if I dated a man just because we seem to fit together from a purely logical standpoint.
I'm 27, which I know is still young, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little freaked out about my prospects dating-wise. Online dating is so depressing and I'm tired of meeting men who I have some chemistry and things in common with and finding out about their covert misogyny, unresolved issues, total lack of emotional maturity or insane commitment phobia. :(