If you are or ever become a published author, here is a list of things you should not do.

  • Do not read your book's negative reviews.
  • Do not respond to those reviews.
  • Do not become obsessed with someone giving you negative reviews.
  • Do not find your reviewer's Twitter and Instagram and check them religiously.
  • Do not drunkenly subtweet about your negative reviewer.
  • Do not seek out the advice of other authors targeted by this reviewer and then, when told not to engage her, ignore their advice.
  • Do not Google your reviewer in an attempt to find out more details about their life.
  • Do not compare their social media profiles looking for discrepancies.
  • Do not look up the reviewer's address, given to you for a giveaway, on Google Maps.
  • Do not go digging for the real name of the person who lives there.
  • Do not pay $19 for an online background check on the owner of the house.
  • Do not find the Facebook and LinkedIn of this person and check those religiously, along with the Twitter and Instagram accounts.
  • Do not rent a car and drive to their house unannounced and try to meet them OH MY GOD WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS.
  • Do not, when the person at the house refuses to answer, call them at work and ask for personal details under false pretenses.
  • Do not, when this doesn't work, call them again using your real name and confront them directly, only to get a disappointing response.

Or, to keep things really short: JUST DON'T READ THE NEGATIVE REVIEWS.

Good lord, this whole saga is like the worst version of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie ever. The only person who is remotely sane in all of it is "Patricia" and no one listens to her.